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Jewish World Review Sept. 4, 2003 / 7 Elul, 5763

Argus Hamilton

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Consumer Reports


And now for the
important news ....


http://www.NewsAndOpinion.com | The Washington Redskins host the New York Jets tonight in Washington D.C. How much do they worship this team in the capital? A federal judge just ordered the Washington Redskins schedule removed from a display case in the Supreme Court lobby.

President Bush was given the official NFL game ball for tonight's NFL season opener in an Oval Office ceremony Tuesday. It was inflammatory. Muslims aren't mad enough at us and the president holds a White House ceremony in honor of pigskin.

Democrat presidential candidates will hold a televised debate in Albuquerque tonight. Expect the usual echo chamber. Nine Democrats will try to convince the voters there's something they can do about Iraq and nothing they can do about Mexico.

Howard Dean's assistant spokesman had an emergency appendectomy Sunday. When she woke up after having surgery, she saw the candidate hovering over her bed. If only she had screamed and called the Enquirer, he would be a lock for president.

Singapore said Monday it will jail drivers who send text messages over their cell phones while they drive. Thank goodness Californians are illiterate. Who knows how many lives the Los Angeles Unified School District alone might have saved.

Gray Davis told NBC News Tuesday Bill Clinton will campaign for him but they are still setting up the dates. It may not be good news for Gray Davis but it's good news for Hillary. Her approval rating always goes up when her husband starts dating.

Jerry Lewis raised a record $60.5 million in pledges in his Muscular Dystrophy telethon on Labor Day. He looked like he hadn't slept in days. He has a recurring nightmare that Dean Martin walks onstage and announces that he's discovered the cure.

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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements, please click here.

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01/02/03:Annual Review of the Past Year's Mischief
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© 2002, Argus Hamilton