Friday

December 15th, 2017

Satire

Hillary Clinton's late-night panic

Alexandra Petri

By Alexandra Petri The Washington Post

Published August 15, 2016

Balaam and Dostoevsky

This has been quite a week for Donald Trump. But how is it playing on Team Hillary? A glimpse at her team's group chat.

Time: 2:04 AM

In Chat: Hillary, Ready4Hillary

Hillary: So this is going well, right?

Ready4Hillary: Yes

Hillary: I keep worrying, though. Should I be in the news more? Every day I look at the newspaper and the first two words in the first headline on every front page are always "Donald Trump."

Ready4Hillary: no, that's good

Hillary: that seems bad

Ready4Hillary: Fact-check rating -- mostly false! The less you do, the better. When you do things, people remember that they don't like you. The best thing to do is try to be invisible and let people see that the alternative is the candidate equivalent of being tossed into a live volcano full of enraged hornets.

Hillary: okay I hear that but I feel like people forget that I'm running

Ready4Hillary: the only times that people remember you are running are when you do things that are bad. like last Friday when you took that question about your emails and babbled uncomfortably and said you might have "short-circuited it." That's not great. Either you're lying or you're a robot. Or a lying robot, I guess. Also a possibility.

Hillary: There are no lying robots. Robots are not allowed to lie.

Ready4Hillary: But the takeaway is that you need to stop reminding people that the alternative to Donald Trump is you specifically.

Hillary: But I am a historic female candidate.

Ready4Hillary: And you can be a historic female president once you get elected, okay? Let's not jinx this.

Hillary: It just seems like everything he's been doing is literally the worst thing. So why is it that some people still want to vote for him? not just some, almost 40 percent

is it me? can I do something different maybe my hair?

Ready4Hillary: No, Hillary. Go to bed.

Hillary: Actually Donald Trump said in an interview with Hugh Hewitt that he found the fact that I went to bed after speeches threatening. His specific words were "she'll do an event, she'll make a short speech off a teleprompter, and then she goes home and goes to sleep. I tell you, she is dangerous." should I do something about this should I not go to bed? should I be more awake and project greater awakeness so that America knows I will be awake at 3 a.m.? we could arrange a photo-op where I am drinking coffee after 5 p.m.

Ready4Hillary: Hillary it's fine

Hillary: is there something we should be doing with the Olympics?

Ready4Hillary: why are even you still awake now?

Hillary: I just can't help worrying did you see a guy climbed up the outside of Trump Tower with suction cups? that's a lot of free publicity

Ready4Hillary: yes Hillary we saw

Hillary: can we get someone to climb up the outside of a Hillary tower with suction cups it just seems like all the news now is Trump news

Ready4Hillary: Hillary that's a good thing all the news is Donald Trump lighting kittens on fire and promising child care that doesn't exist

Hillary: is that really true? I've been reading the internet it seems like half the internet thinks that Donald Trump is lighting kittens on fire all the time and the other half thinks that he is right all the time and I am murdering american heroes with a trident

Ready4Hillary: specifically a trident? that's weird is this Breitbart

Hillary: I would email you a link except I'm trying never to send anyone any emails ever again for any reason just to be safe this time all my emails are snapchats now I can snapchat you a link I can verbally read you a link over a secure telephone line h t t p shift backlash double u

Ready4Hillary: no, it's okay, thanks.

Hillary: I just wonder -- should I do more?

Ready4Hillary: Trust me. No. Just do your debate prep in case he actually shows, tweet a little and keep focusing on Not Being Donald Trump. You're so good at that. You've done that all your life. You could do it in your sleep. It's what America wants from you.

Hillary: You think so?

Ready4Hillary: Think of it this way. If you asked someone, "Would you like to climb into an old scow full of garbage?" most people would say "No." But if you say, "Would you like to be saved at any cost from the apocalyptic flood that is rising to destroy your city?" most people would say "Yes." The trick is to focus on the second thing and not be too specific about the first thing. Okay?

Hillary: am I the garbage scow in that analogy?

Ready4Hillary: the point is, less is more. okay?

Hillary: okay.

Ready4Hillary: now go get some of that dangerous sleep of yours, Hill.

Hillary: are you sure there isn't something we could have someone climb?

Ready4Hillary: good night.


Previously:


08/01/16 What Hillary really meant to say on her historic night
07/18/16 Pokemon Go, an honest review
06/27/16 Keep calm and --- what the heck just happened?
06/09/16 Hillary Clinton's victory speech, translated
06/01/16 Why isn't Hillary fun and trustworthy?
05/22/16 Games people rig, by Bernie Sanders
05/16/16: What really happened at the Trump-Ryan meeting
03/28/16: I, Cthulhu, endorse Donald Trump
03/21/16: Yes, I love puns. Stop saying it's a disease
03/14/16: Donald Trump's Gettysburg Infomercial
03/11/16: The Miami debate was Hillary's personal nightmare
03/03/16: Chris Christie's wordless screaming
02/29/16: But seriously, how do we turn this Donald Trump thing off?
02/19/16: Donald Trump for pope
02/15/16: What really happens at a Dem debate
02/01/16: Barbie is past saving
01/25/16: For the love of all that is holy, save small talk
01/20/16: Sean Penn meets the Almighty
01/05/16: 'Said' is not dead. Save boring words!

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