First Person

In this issue

Jonathan Tobin: Defending the Right to a Jewish State

Heather Hale: Compliment your kids without giving them big heads

Megan Shauri: 10 ways you are ruining your own happiness

Carolyn Bigda: 8 Best Dividend Stocks for 2015

Kiplinger's Personal Finance editors: 7 Things You Didn't Know About Paying Off Student Loans

Samantha Olson: The Crucial Mistake 55% Of Parents Are Making At Their Baby's Bedtime

Densie Well, Ph.D., R.D. Open your eyes to yellow vegetables

The Kosher Gourmet by Megan Gordon With its colorful cache of purples and oranges and reds, COLLARD GREEN SLAW is a marvelous mood booster --- not to mention just downright delish
April 18, 2014

Rabbi Yonason Goldson: Clarifying one of the greatest philosophical conundrums in theology

Caroline B. Glick: The disappearance of US will

Megan Wallgren: 10 things I've learned from my teenagers

Lizette Borreli: Green Tea Boosts Brain Power, May Help Treat Dementia

John Ericson: Trying hard to be 'positive' but never succeeding? Blame Your Brain

The Kosher Gourmet by Julie Rothman Almondy, flourless torta del re (Italian king's cake), has royal roots, is simple to make, . . . but devour it because it's simply delicious

April 14, 2014

Rabbi Dr Naftali Brawer: Passover frees us from the tyranny of time

Greg Crosby: Passing Over Religion

Eric Schulzke: First degree: How America really recovered from a murder epidemic

Georgia Lee: When love is not enough: Teaching your kids about the realities of adult relationships

Cameron Huddleston: Freebies for Your Lawn and Garden

Gordon Pape: How you can tell if your financial adviser is setting you up for potential ruin

Dana Dovey: Up to 500,000 people die each year from hepatitis C-related liver disease. New Treatment Has Over 90% Success Rate

Justin Caba: Eating Watermelon Can Help Control High Blood Pressure

The Kosher Gourmet by Joshua E. London and Lou Marmon Don't dare pass over these Pesach picks for Manischewitz!

April 11, 2014

Rabbi Hillel Goldberg: Silence is much more than golden

Caroline B. Glick: Forgetting freedom at Passover

Susan Swann: How to value a child for who he is, not just what he does

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Financial Tasks You Should Tackle Right Now

Sandra Block and Lisa Gerstner: How to Profit From Your Passion

Susan Scutti: A Simple Blood Test Might Soon Diagnose Cancer

Chris Weller: Have A Slow Metabolism? Let Science Speed It Up For You

The Kosher Gourmet by Diane Rossen Worthington Whitefish Terrine: A French take on gefilte fish

April 9, 2014

Jonathan Tobin: Why Did Kerry Lie About Israeli Blame?

Samuel G. Freedman: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Jessica Ivins: A resolution 70 years later for a father's unsettling legacy of ashes from Dachau

Kim Giles: Asking for help is not weakness

Kathy Kristof and Barbara Hoch Marcus: 7 Great Growth Israeli Stocks

Matthew Mientka: How Beans, Peas, And Chickpeas Cleanse Bad Cholesterol and Lowers Risk of Heart Disease

Sabrina Bachai: 5 At-Home Treatments For Headaches

The Kosher Gourmet by Daniel Neman Have yourself a matzo ball: The secrets bubby never told you and recipes she could have never imagined

April 8, 2014

Lori Nawyn: At Your Wit's End and Back: Finding Peace

Susan B. Garland and Rachel L. Sheedy: Strategies Married Couples Can Use to Boost Benefits

David Muhlbaum: Smart Tax Deductions Non-Itemizers Can Claim

Jill Weisenberger, M.S., R.D.N., C.D.E : Before You Lose Your Mental Edge

Dana Dovey: Coffee Drinkers Rejoice! Your Cup Of Joe Can Prevent Death From Liver Disease

Chris Weller: Electric 'Thinking Cap' Puts Your Brain Power Into High Gear

The Kosher Gourmet by Marlene Parrish A gift of hazelnuts keeps giving --- for a variety of nutty recipes: Entree, side, soup, dessert

April 4, 2014

Rabbi David Gutterman: The Word for Nothing Means Everything

Charles Krauthammer: Kerry's folly, Chapter 3

Amy Peterson: A life of love: How to build lasting relationships with your children

John Ericson: Older Women: Save Your Heart, Prevent Stroke Don't Drink Diet

John Ericson: Why 50 million Americans will still have spring allergies after taking meds

Cameron Huddleston: Best and Worst Buys of April 2014

Stacy Rapacon: Great Mutual Funds for Young Investors

Sarah Boesveld: Teacher keeps promise to mail thousands of former students letters written by their past selves

The Kosher Gourmet by Sharon Thompson Anyone can make a salad, you say. But can they make a great salad? (SECRETS, TESTED TECHNIQUES + 4 RECIPES, INCLUDING DRESSINGS)

April 2, 2014

Paul Greenberg: Death and joy in the spring

Dan Barry: Should South Carolina Jews be forced to maintain this chimney built by Germans serving the Nazis?

Mayra Bitsko: Save me! An alien took over my child's personality

Frank Clayton: Get happy: 20 scientifically proven happiness activities

Susan Scutti: It's Genetic! Obesity and the 'Carb Breakdown' Gene

Lecia Bushak: Why Hand Sanitizer May Actually Harm Your Health

Stacy Rapacon: Great Funds You Can Own for $500 or Less

Cameron Huddleston: 7 Ways to Save on Home Decor

The Kosher Gourmet by Steve Petusevsky Exploring ingredients as edible-stuffed containers (TWO RECIPES + TIPS & TECHINQUES)

Jewish World Review

Things that changed my view of marriage forever

By Kilee Luthi

One day I woke up and realized I didn't love my husband. That simple realization forever changed the way I viewed marriage | I had no idea what I was getting into before I got married. I mean, how can you really anticipate what will happen for the rest of your life when you make such a decision? It seems like one day I was just Kilee, a girl who liked playing basketball, painting, going on dates, and having fun with friends. Then, the next day I was married to the guy with whom I was supposed to start this grand new adventure — with whom I should be happy with for the rest of my existence.

Many soon-to-be-weds think marriage ensures blissful butterflies and rainbows. Maybe that's an exaggeration, but we definitely don't anticipate life after marriage to be as hard as it really is. There are many reasons for that, one being the fact that you are now part of a team and you have to learn to work together. With a team, things are easier, right?

We've definitely had our fair share of trials since we were married. We've specifically faced dreadful trials between us, putting a wall in our marriage.

One day I woke up and realized I did not love my husband

He was just a stranger sleeping next to me. In that moment, I questioned everything I was and everything I had done up to that point in my life. This realization that I could not "be in love" with the guy to whom I had promised my eternity changed my view of marriage. Forever.

Some people call that "falling out of love." I don't know what to call it. Falling out of love seems too sudden, almost like BAM! — I don't love you anymore. It didn't happen like that. This "fall" of our love happened ever so gradually until it hit full reality that morning. It happened over the course of painful trials. It happened as lies were discovered in our marriage. It happened as choices were made that tore us apart. It happened as our communication and emotional intimacy declined.

When I woke up that morning and realized I didn't love my husband, I didn't know what to do. All my life, I had sworn up and down I would never get a divorce. "Nothing could be bad enough to warrant a divorce." "We will be able to work through anything." That was actually a topic of discussion when we were dating, and we agreed together that we would work through anything. When I chose to marry, I signed up for working through anything. What I didn't sign up for was working through anything without love helping pull me through.

When I realized I didn't love him, I faced a big decision. Do we work through this together? Or do I give up what I thought marriage was — and what my marriage had truly become — and leave him?

After much prayer, I chose for us to work through the problems occurring in our marriage. I chose to stay, and I've learned some beautiful lessons:

Love is a choice

Here I was thinking I had already mastered love. We got that down when we were dating. However, I learned the butterfly feeling you get when you are dating/engaged/newlyweds doesn't last forever. It's the precursor to a deep, burning love and passion that must be chosen.

For a while, I sat in my lack of love. I experienced many emotions at this time, and I hit a very low point. I allowed myself to just sit with the pain occurring in my life, waiting for something to change. My husband was trying to change, and I eventually realized nothing would change on my end if I didn't put forth some effort to love him. Love doesn't just come back on its own.

Every day, even now, I consciously make a choice: I choose to love my husband. When I feel the love faltering, I ask myself why. Why do I feel this way? What is happening to me that would cause this? If he is making choices that impact my ability to love, I evaluate his actions and ask myself what is going on in his life that would cause him to act in those ways? Much self- and relationship-awareness occurs during this time.


Every weekday publishes "must-reading". Sign up for the daily update. It's free. Just click here.

Then, because I choose to stay, I choose to love. I do things to serve him. As I serve him, I find myself softening and the love rekindling. Every time, it comes back with fewer butterflies and more depth.

Marriage isn't easy. Giving yourself to someone fully isn't easy. Love isn't easy.

When the going gets rough, it seems easy to give up. Giving up, however, isn't always the answer. At least, it wasn't for me at that time. And it's still not right now.

Sometimes, it's OK to leave, though. Sometimes, you have to leave

Just because I didn't choose that doesn't mean I didn't learn I could leave if I felt like it was the right thing to do. I'd be a liar if I said I hadn't contemplated divorce. Before I was married, I thought divorce wasn't an option. I now know divorce is an option, and I understand reasons why someone would choose that route especially when the spouse has already given up on the marriage or if abuse was involved.

When I woke up and realized I didn't love my husband, I was changed. That change taught me three great lessons: I know love is a choice. I know how to choose love. And I know that sometimes you have to leave. Because of this experience, I am changed. Forever.

Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.

Interested in a private Judaic studies instructor — for free? Let us know by clicking here.

Kilee Luthi is a graduate of Brigham Young University with a degree in Family and Consumer Science Education. She is passionate about parenting and child development, human relations, nutrition and wellness, culinary, and fashion design.

© 2014, FamilyShare