Jewish World Review Aug 2, 2012/ 14 Menachem-Av, 5772
Toasting culture's absurdities
By John Kass
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | As many of you know, the Kassopedia is a compendium of the world's great knowledge, from how liberals get their wings to the translation of Kissitupta. And we Americans share our knowledge with everyone, regardless of whether they want to hear it.
So here goes: Kassopedia Volume III.
Biggest Loser Tax Credit: Michelle Obama and New York Mayor Michael Bloomberg are on a crusade against fat kids, so the logical extension of the nanny state is this: On Tax Day, every child in America will be weighed and pinched by calipers wielded by government officials. If the kid's body fat is within norms, mom and dad will receive federal and state tax credits. And for those who don't make weight? Their parents will be fined (or taxed), and we'll find out what it really means to be the biggest loser. Parents who can't pay will be tossed into Fat Debt Prison, to rot until their chubby children redeem them. But kids who play soccer don't have to worry. Their parents are protected.
Beecist: People who say they like bees and brag that they have friends who like bees, and they enjoy tasty honey. But they don't want any bees moving in next door because it might lower their property values. Those are beecists.
Beeophile: Someone who loves bees and cultivates hives, and shares honey, like Chicago's true Beeophile, the legendary "Slim the Legman," beekeeper and journalist Liam T.A. Ford.
Child Shield: A defensive weapon used by mayors to win approval for controversial speed camera programs linked to a politically connected consultant. E.g. If it saves one child, the (cameras, casino, other political project) will be worth it.
Dibs: Don't even worry about dibs now. Just keep frying that egg on your forehead.
"Dog-friendly" dining: A truly stupid idea allowing cafes or restaurants to permit dogs into their patios and outdoor seating areas, so dogs can "go" right next to some poor chumbolone newspaper columnist trying to eat the overpriced veal chop. And as he chews, two ideas compete for attention in the chumbolone's mind. 1) Is this really veal? 2) Why do dogs always have that facial expression when they do it?
Etnicks: According to a wise man, "Chicago was built by the labor of impoverished immigrants, many of whom were Europeans. In Chicago, the descendants of the Europeans are called 'etnicks.'" They fled their homelands due to the ruthlessness of bloodsucking warlords. But once established in Chicago, the self-destructive etnicks elected new bloodsucking warlords. Go figure.
Flaming ears: A wonderful Turkish barbering technique. Every man should try it. Every woman should get her man to try it, unless of course, she suffers from the heartbreak of ear hair. Then she should try it, too. Required: A gracious Turkish barber and a flame to singe the hair.
Happy Heifer Babies: (1) A sci-fi nightmare gone terribly real: Chinese scientists are using cloning technology to fold human genes into the DNA of dairy cows. They hope to make a fortune selling "breast milk" to women who can't or won't nurse their infants. (2) The end of civilization as we know it, and you just knew China would be involved.
Hog vs. Pig: "I don't want to be a hog. I just want to be a pig," former Cook County Commissioner Joseph "Piggy" Moreno allegedly said on a federal wire, before he was indicted in a bribery scheme. Does Piggy know any hogs in Chinatown? Oink. Oink.
Kissitupta: In ancient times, etnick kids who foolishly dropped their last piece of candy onto the ground would cleanse it with a special prayer. We'd brush off the candy, raise it to the heavens and say: "God made dirt. Dirt don't hurt. So kissitupta G0d 'n' eat it." And we did.
Liberal Angels: Each time a tax is raised, a liberal gets his wings. From the American film classic, "It's Not Such A Wonderful Life Anymore, Is It?"
Okreos: The nanny state's new delicious after-school snack - milk and Okreos. When unhealthy Oreos are prohibited by law, parents may replace them with cookies made entirely of okra, that healthy but slimy green vegetable that your mom fed you 'cause she really hated you.
Romney's Etch A Sketch: Republican presidential candidate Mitt Romney doesn't have to worry about conservative principles. "Everything changes," said a top mouthpiece. "It's almost like an Etch A Sketch. You can kind of shake it up and restart all over again." Shake, shake, shake.
RST (Random Sweat Transfer): (1) When some sweaty person bumps up against you in a crowd and slimes you with his or her unwanted arm, back or leg sweat. (2) An acceptable defense in a criminal trial. Accused: "Yerroner, I was mindin' my own business when dat guy RST'd me on the Orange Line." Judge: "He RST'd you? Case dismissed!"
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John Kass is a columnist for the Chicago Tribune. Comments by clicking here.
© 2011, Chicago Tribune. Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.