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Jewish World Review Aug 7, 2012 / 19 Menachem-Av, 5772 The News in Zingers By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The Labor Department said one hundred sixty-thousand jobs were added last month but the economy is slow. Businesses are really struggling to attract customers. Popeye's Chicken announced yesterday that Popeye is engaged to Olive Oyl and Bluto is just a friend.
Olympic gymnast Gabby Douglas became America's darling Friday when she won the gold medal. She spun in the air, twirled and flipped twice and landed squarely on her feet. President Obama called her and asked if she would be his new press secretary.
President Obama arrived at Camp David Saturday where he celebrated his fifty-first birthday with a party including family and friends. They rolled out a rich chocolate cake. He didn't blow out the candles, he simply taxed them until they gave up on their own.
Washington D.C. agreed to convert to lower-wattage streetlights to save energy and cut back on greenhouse gas emissions. The environmentalists are forcing the city to convert to dimmer bulbs. So they're screwing members of Congress into the light sockets.
President Obama told sports radio Friday the New York Jets made a mistake by getting Tim Tebow. He said it puts too much pressure on Mark Sanchez. He is already warning the team they'll face a Justice Department probe if they replace a Hispanic with a white guy.
A Vermont farmer expressed his fury at police Friday by driving a fifteen-ton tractor over seven police cars parked at the station. They'd arrested him for marijuana two nights earlier. Apparently it's easier to withdraw from Afghanistan than it is this new pot.
Senator Harry Reid claimed an anonymous investor told him Mitt Romney didn't pay his taxes the last ten years. It's a dastardly trick to make scurrilous charges without proof. Republicans could just as easily say that Harry Reid is O.J. Simpson's senator and he is.
NBC defended the decision to tape delay the Olympics to the U.S. for primetime airing Friday. NBC Sports executive Mark Lazarus said the company stockholders' interest trumps the public's interest. If Mark Lazarus sounded any more like Mitt Romney, they'd add him to the cast of Saturday Night Live.
President Obama ordered the CIA's clandestine services to help the Syrian rebels overthrow Bashar Assad on Thursday. There goes the element of surprise. President Obama's idea of clandestine is he only tells three newspapers and one cable news network.
NBC reported huge TV ratings for the Olympics Friday fueled by gold medal wins in swimming and gymnastics. The Games are really hurting the Democrats. Every morning people across America go on the Drudge Report for Olympics news in real time and then they watch the games on TV that night and find out that Drudge was right about everything.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2011, Argus Hamilton |
Arnold Ahlert | |||||||||||
