Jewish World Review August 12, 2011 / 12 Menachem-Av, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Prime Minister David Cameron recalled Parliament into session Wednesday to enact harsh measures to put down London rioting. They're fed up. Britain is seriously thinking of adopting the U.S. method of urban crowd control, which is to make the poor too fat to riot.
Marathon swimmer Diana Nyad gave up on her attempt to swim from Cuba to Miami Tuesday. There was little interest anyway. She picked the wrong week to attract TV viewers because all the sharks were home watching themselves on the Discovery Channel.
Barack Obama's approval rating fell to forty percent in Gallup's poll Tuesday. There is worldwide anarchy. Standard and Poor's just downgraded the office of President of the United States from leader of the free world to entertainment director on the Titanic.
Apple moved past Exxon Mobil Tuesday as the highest-priced stock on the New York Stock Exchange on Wall Street. It just shows that the investors haven't been following the news. It's a lot easier for flash mobs to loot an Apple Store than an offshore oil platform.
Congress got an eighty-one percent disapproval rating in the polls Monday. They had just passed a toothless debt reduction bill that crashed Wall Street. The next day every House member got a nice note from Casey Anthony thanking them for changing the subject.
Capitol Hill leaders chose Republican and Democratic lawmakers who will pass debt reduction legislation apart from Congress. It'll be called a Super Congress. Whenever the Supreme Court's out of session it's like your parents left you home alone for two weeks.
Congress ended the congressional page program Monday which allowed teenage boys and girls to work as interns. They don't need any more temptations after four sex scandals in one year. From now on House Members will just have to be content screwing the taxpayers.
Arnold Schwarzenegger faced a government lawsuit in Austria for smoking a cigar in Salzburg Airport. They're trying to dissuade him from running for president of Austria. This year alone five political operatives have died of exhaustion digging up dirt on his past.
National Clown Week wrapped up Monday with clown competitions held from coast to coast. A U.S. law dedicating a week to clowning was signed forty years ago by President Richard Nixon. He had a flower on his lapel that squirted napalm and it always got a laugh.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton