Jewish World Review August 10, 2011 / 10 Menachem-Av, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The Rise of the Planet of the Apes topped the movie box office Sunday with fifty-four million dollars in ticket sales. The plot is quite believable. In the movie, the apes take over everything and within a year the United States is debt-free and the budget is balanced.
The U.S. World Series of Surfing was interrupted at Huntington Beach when Mexican cocaine smugglers landed ashore during the competition. Their arrest was swift. Police moved in after the boat blew a horn letting surfing fans know the catering truck was here.
Wall Street plummeted at the opening bell Monday, falling six hundred points. There are built-in protections. Stock brokerages in Beverly Hills are required by law to be on the first floor so if a stockbroker jumps out the window the worst he can do is break his leg.
President Obama went on TV Monday to back the credit of the United States. He said he doesn't care what anyone says, America will always be a AAA country. That makes Obama the first president ever to tell the nation that we'll never be called up to the Majors.
President Obama tried to calm the market Monday by going on TV while stocks were still trading. The effect on the stock exchange was instantaneous. The Dow Jones fell three hundred points at the sound of his voice, showing him that as a singer he's still magic.
John Edwards won a delay in his civil trial over the sex tape Tuesday so he can stand trial for money laundering. Being a lawyer may hurt him with jurors. Shark Week just ended, prompting Prepaid Legal Services to drop its lawsuit against the Discovery Channel.
North London broke out in fiery racial street protests Sunday after a policeman shot and killed a cab driver. The burning swiftly turned to looting. Officials are worried that the incident could end the policemen exchange program between London and Los Angeles.
The Smithsonian opened an exhibit honoring the thirty-three Chilean miners who emerged from the mine safely after being trapped for three months underground. Thirty-two of the miners went on a tour of the world afterward to celebrate their miracle. The thirty-third guy had a wife and girlfriend waiting for him at the top, so he went back down.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton