Jewish World Review August 8, 2011 / 8 Menachem-Av, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The White House alarm sounded Tuesday when a man leaped over the fence. The jumper broke a security beam when he went over the fence. After a two-minute chase the Secret Service agents caught President Obama and talked him into coming back and finishing his term.
President Obama was dropped by forty thousand Democrats on Twitter one day after the debt ceiling compromise. The deal worried liberals. Obama's about to take his physical, and Democrats think he caved in so hard the doctors may find thirty-three Chilean miners inside him.
Russia issued a series of postage stamps to honor President Obama on his fiftieth birthday on Thursday. Their postal service had a nationwide vote over what picture to use on the stamp. Everybody voted down Obama's current picture in favor of one from 2004-2008, the Elvis years.
The White House had a party celebrating President Obama's birthday on Thursday while the stock market crashed and long-term unemployment numbers mounted. The president was satisfied. His birthday's not even a national holiday yet and already nobody's working on it.
The Census Bureau said Wednesday two million people have left California in the last ten years for neighboring states. The effect has been dramatic. All the shopping malls in Utah, Arizona, Nevada and New Mexico are overrun by incredibly beautiful people with terrible credit.
The Justice Department allowed a Mexican drug cartel to transport cocaine into the U.S. in exchange for information on other cartels, and they also allowed U.S. guns to go into Mexico. It's part of a larger policy. They're trying to get the NFL players to stay in the country and not play in China.
San Francisco street thieves cut clumps of hair off Texas tourists to sell on the black market for hair extensions Tuesday. They're stealing copper wire, brass urns from graveyards and now human hair. It is what people have to do when they can't get a license to sell annuities.
GM reported huge profits last week and vowed to repay its bailout loan and end federal supervision. They have a perception problem until they are fully privatized again. No one in Beverly Hills will buy a Cadillac because they refuse to be seen taking public transportation.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton