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Jewish World Review
August 2, 2011
/ 2 Menachem-Av, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By
Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
The U.S. Border Patrol allowed one hundred and thirty-three Mexican soldiers to return to Mexico Thursday after they accidentally crossed the border into the U.S. That's how bad the economy is today. For the first time in history Mexicans are crossing the U.S. border accidentally. 
The U.S. Congress broke out in partisan warfare during the debt crisis stalemate Friday. At risk was default, a downgrade, a market crash and civil unrest. Al-Qaeda just offered every member of Congress honorary membership and a ten percent discount in the al-Qaeda gift shop. 
The White House launched its first nationwide Twitter campaign Friday to try to whip up support for a debt crisis compromise. The social media is overrated. Twitter's worth is now listed at seven billion dollars, which is one dollar for every hour that has been wasted Tweeting. 
The U.S. Treasury ended the day with only seventy-three billion dollars Thursday, which is three billion less than Apple has. There's no comparison. If the U.S. was as popular as Apple we could replace the Pentagon with a security guard during the day and a burglar alarm at night. 
President Obama announced new fuel efficiency standards for cars Friday. He ordered all cars to be able to get fifty-five miles per gallon in ten years. Later in the day he commanded the Potomac to part but his golf ball landed in the water before he could get both arms in the air. 
WalMart was reportedly set Friday to open its first store in the New York City area inside a mall in Brooklyn. The store won't offer customers much variety at first. To discourage flash mobs, they plan to stock this particular WalMart full of country music CDs and daily planners.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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