Jewish World Review August 1, 2011 / 1 Menachem-Av, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | The London Mail reported on Thursday that Amy Winehouse's parents believe the singer died from withdrawal from alcohol. The story scared everyone. Democrats say if the U.S. cuts spending too fast, Uncle Sam could be found dead in a London apartment by one of his groupies.
The White House claimed Thursday that John Boehner's budget bill would ruin Christmas this year. They say it'll re-ignite the budget debate in December. There's nothing Democrats love more than playing Santa Claus and then sending the bill to the people who got the presents.
The White House urged Congress to compromise and reach a debt deal Thursday. There's no shortage of great ideas. The president thought of a perfectly American way to solve the crisis, but the Navy SEALs can't break into the Treasury Building and eliminate the national debt.
The White House warned of dire consequences if there's no budget deal by Tuesday. They said that the U.S. won't have enough money to pay all its bills. Hopefully Mexico has plenty of vacancies because if China decides to foreclose we will have to move into a cheap rental country.
The White House pushed a budget compromise Thursday which would raise the tax rates on wealthy Americans, however government entitlements would be cut less than the cost of living increase. There's a reason the rich are paranoid. Whoever heard of robbing poor people?
President Obama was asked by Democrats to raise the debt ceiling using his power under the Fourteenth Amendment. That's odd. The amendment says that anyone born in the U.S. is a U.S. citizen but why would Democrats, of all people, want to bring up the birth certificate issue?
USA Today reported Thursday on the booming business done in Beverly Hills pawn shops during this recession. The pawnbrokers said their customers live month to month, have no property and no credit. A pickpocket on Rodeo Drive came home last night with three pounds of lint.
Oslo's mass murderer Anders Breivik said Thursday he had his hair styled and wore face bronzer before his killing spree because he wanted to take a handsome mug shot. That's just galling. Muslim terrorists might be evil, but at least they're not trying to get cast in a soap opera.
Al-Qaeda's magazine Inspire came out Wednesday and it included a gag photo making fun of Anthony Weiner's sex texting. How reassuring. We don't know where al-Qaeda's new leader is hiding but anyone who's two months behind on the jokes can't be much of a threat to America.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton