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http://www.JewishWorldReview.com |
Thanks to your local evening news, you're no doubt well aware of how fragile life can be, and that death stalks us at every moment, often from the confines of our own homes:
Newscaster: "Are your bedroom slippers breeding virulent dust mites that could smother you in your sleep? Our story at eleven. If you can stay awake that long!"
Of course, the evening newscasters aren't alone in revealing the serious risks we expose ourselves to every time we step into - or out of - the house. Or even if we just stand there, paralyzed with fear in the entranceway ("Doorbells, the not-so-silent killers? Our surprising story after these messages.")
The source of all these different ways everyday life is threatening to do us in is, not surprisingly, science. Scarcely a day passes without a new report of an exhaustive, multi-year study costing taxpayers hundreds of thousands of dollars conclusively proving that, say, the "golden flavored" butter on movie theater popcorn is, in fact, lightly salted 40-weight motor oil.
Well, believe it or not, the latest mundane cause of premature death we're finding out about is - wait, are you sitting down? Well, stop it! Because what's killing us is just that: sitting.
This news comes from a recent New York Times article stating that sitting for more than six hours a day increases people's death rate by 20-40 percent, and that too much sitting can literally cut years off of a person's life. And before you think, "Maybe that's true for people who sit around and never get any exercise, but I'm incredibly active, what with Pilates, triathlon training, frequently making obscene gestures at passing motorists, etc.," think again. Researchers accounted for all that, and it makes no difference.
The point, it turns out, is that no matter what kind of shape you're in otherwise, as soon as your body stops moving, it starts to shut down. Electrical activity in the muscles drops, insulin effectiveness decreases and levels of good cholesterol begin to fall. Further complicating matters these days is that much this sitting time is spent watching reality television, which has been clinically proven to sap the will to live.
Actually, it's no joke that watching TV is also killing us, and not just Jersey Shore. An Australian study found that for each additional hour of television a person sat and watched each day, the risk of dying rose by 11 percent. The researchers say that this works out to roughly 22 minutes shaved off of your life for each hour of TV watched. Although, to be fair, this study was conducted in Australia, so it's possible that, much as water runs down the drain in the opposite direction there, here in the Northern Hemisphere watching TV could actually extend your life.
Specifically, it's the inactivity that makes sitting and TV watching so dangerous. Which is why people who tend to move around a lot, even when in otherwise sedentary positions, often stay thinner and suffer fewer adverse health effects. So the bad news is that your fidgety coworker - you know, that incredibly irritating guy who can't go five seconds without drumming his fingers on the table - will live a long life. But on the bright side, you won't be annoyed for quite so long since you'll be dead.
Unfortunately, these days there's no way to eliminate sitting from one's lifestyle entirely, at least not without enduring a great deal of social awkwardness in movie theaters, restaurants, courtrooms, dental offices, etc. Instead, many people are incorporating more movement into their work routines. These efforts include rearranging the workspace so that, for example, one has to stretch to reach the phone on a shelf above the desk, the mouse behind the computer monitor and the stapler on the floor. Because, really, what's more fun than turning your work day into an 8-hour game of Twister?
But there are plenty of other ways to keep moving while you're seated, whether at the office, at home, at a funeral, in the confessional, etc. How about setting a timer and standing up every half hour to execute a two-minute bodybuilding pose-down? Or while talking on the phone, you could use your free hand to hone your baton twirling skills. Or to really get the adrenaline flowing, maybe play that game where you spread one hand out on the desk and use the other hand to rapidly tap the blade of a pocket knife in the alternating spaces between your fingers. And, of course, there's always jazz hands.
And if anyone at the office ever makes fun of you for standing up and doing "The Robot" in the middle of staff meetings, you can take comfort knowing you're just doing everything possible to stay healthy.
Or, failing that, nothing gets the blood moving like a vigorous obscene gesture.
JWR contributor Malcolm Fleschner is a humor columnist for The DC Examiner. Let him know what you think by clicking here.
Previously:
12/01/10: It's Getting Better All The Time
08/24/10: Turn Down The Stereo(types)
06/24/10: The No Roamin' Holiday
06/08/10: Parenting On A Cellular Level
05/27/10: Older? Yes. Wiser? Not Necessarily
04/19/10: The Bossman Cometh
03/25/10: The Rules of Interaction
01/09/10: A ride of passage
12/26/09: The Family Power Struggle Goes On…
10/26/09: Rapidly approaching fuddyduddy-hood 06/20/09: Waging a backyard turf war 02/20/09: The Sties Have It 04/30/09: Planning of the Apes 04/08/09: No more phoning it in 02/26/09: Tuning in to the English Channel 02/19/09: 25 AND COUNTING 02/13/09: A new life, dead ahead 01/29/09: NOW STARRING ... EVERYBODY! 01/15/09: You know the type 01/08/09: Just in time, here comes 2009 11/20/08: Hotels go for the green 11/06/08: Something does not compute 10/30/08: Early adopters tech their chances 10/21/08: Cyberspace invaders 10/21/08: Keeping up disappearances 09/17/08: Victims of math hysteria 08/07/08: My newfound sense of self (promotion) 06/24/08: Getting the brand back together 05/29/08: Phrased and confused 05/13/08: Take this job and love it 04/17/08: News you can (re)use 04/02/08: Commercial (over)load 02/20/08: An overdose of reality 02/14/08: A developing situation 01/30/08: I can tech it or leave it 01/02/08: Confessions of a coke addict 01/02/08: Our bills are due 12/13/07: Going (to lunch) once, going twice… 11/28/07: Out with the old 11/06/07: My latest pet project 11/06/07: Can't tune it out 10/23/07: Something special in the hair 09/12/07: Can I have your attention, please? 09/12/07: Houston, we have an image problem 08/21/07: In the heat of fashion 08/09/07: Let's get in the game 06/13/07: You gonna eat that? 05/08/07: That's disinter-tainment 05/02/07:You Are (not) Getting Sleepy... 04/18/07: No time like Father Time 03/15/07: Deface the Nation 03/08/07: More gifts? You shouldn't have 02/22/07: Relationships can be such a chore 12/05/06: Who's calling the shots? 11/09/06: I'm taking selling to a whole new level
10/27/06: Some skills are beyond repair 10/18/06: You can't tech it with you 10/04/06: Award to the wise 08/24/06: Phrased and Confused 08/09/06: We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99 07/19/06: Just Singing in the Brain 05/24/06: Who says you can't go home again? 05/11/06: When nightly news stories go off script 04/26/06: Cents and sensibility: A thought for your pennies 03/16/06: The day the Muzak died 02/23/06: Checkbook diplomacy begins at home 02/15/06: Today's toys: Where learning means earning
