Jewish World Review August 26, 2010 / 16 Elul, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Shirley Sherrod turned down the president's offer to return to the Agriculture Department after her wrongful firing. Now that's dignity. The same day Elin Woods relectantly agreed to a hundred million when Tiger failed to get her a government job.
Tiger Woods and Elin Nordegren agreed to divorce terms in Florida Monday. This may help him start winning again. It'll be so much easier for him to concentrate on each golf shot now that he doesn't have two hundred million dollars to worry about.
Tiger Woods' divorce was granted Monday precisely nine months after he crashed his Cadillac Escalade. The airbags had a design flaw. The car was going less than twenty miles an hour at impact and secret girlfriends come flying out of the woodwork.
Elin Nordegren Woods petitioned the court to change her name after her divorce decree Monday. He cheated on her with eighteen women. She feels the Woods name is too humiliating so she is asking the court to change her name legally to Nelle Gibson.
L.A. Dodgers owner Frank McCourt and wife Jamie meet in divorce court Monday. Her affair with the chauffeur made her a folk hero in town. Most billionaires in Los Angeles never get closer to the working class than rolling down the partition window.
Ground Zero mosque Imam Feisal Rauf said Tuesday America has more Muslim blood on its hands than al-Qaeda has U.S. blood on its hands. This is all because of the war in Iraq. All that blood would be on Saddam Hussein's hands if we hadn't fired him.
Larry King's CNN exit stalled because Englishman Piers Morgan is having trouble getting a work visa. CNN is desperate to get the Obama administration to help. They just called Rod Blagojevich and asked him to name his price if he can make this happen.
Jimmy Carter flew to North Korea to try to free the American who entered North Korea illegally. It's delicate. Jimmy Carter's going to explain to North Koreans that by enforcing immigration laws they risk losing the Hispanic vote for generations.
The Justice Department threatened to sue Phoenix sheriff Joe Arpaio Tuesday if he doesn't reveal how he's arresting illegal aliens. The president tried to step in. It didn't win him any votes with Mexicans when he endorsed the mosque in Tent City.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton