Jewish World Review August 23, 2010 / 13 Elul, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Arnold Schwarzenegger ordered the National Guard to the Mexico border Thursday and vowed to halt illegal crossings. It will help his career. Anytime a governor enforces immigration law Hollywood calls him a Nazi, and with his accent, he'll get work.
Malibu police said that Mel Gibson wasn't drinking when he crashed his Maserati into a hillside Sunday. Reaction was swift. Governor Schwarzenegger just signed a new law making it a crime to text racist rants while you're driving on a canyon road.
President Obama arrived at Martha's Vineyard Thursday hoping to put the mosque controversy behind him. It got worse. Yesterday he angered Massachusetts locals by endorsing the building of a convent just two blocks from Jack Kennedy's summer cottage.
The White House denied poll perceptions that President Obama's a Muslim Friday, insisting he's a Christian. He rejects going to church in favor of playing golf on Sundays. He should learn how to erase text messages before he loses his Nike contract.
The Pentagon withdrew U.S. combat troops from Iraq Thursday and put them back in Kuwait after a seven-year war to bring democracy to Iraq. The evacuation raised alarms. For one scary moment the Emir thought the U.S. was bringing democracy to Kuwait.
The State Department sent the Ground Zero mosque imam to the Middle East this week to promote the United States. He's a goodwill envoy. As soon as he tells his first joke, everyone will realize it's just another failed attempt to replace Bob Hope.
The CIA claimed success in retarding Iran's nuclear program Thursday, saying U.S. spies sneaked faulty supply parts into Iran's nuclear supply chain. Many are upset. It's unseemly for the CIA to pass out cigars every time we arrange a nuclear accident.
Prince Charles launched a new Green campaign Thursday by recommending five-minute showers for all. He might never make king. Queen Elizabeth is eighty-five, and she's certainly not going to die before she is old enough to host Saturday Night Live.
Iowa egg farms were blamed for an outbreak of salmonella poisoning Friday that causes people to suffer from vomiting and nausea and diarrhea. The industry sprang into action. The Egg Council just hired Marie Osmond to do commercials showing photographs of herself before and after the omelette to show how much weight she lost.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton