Jewish World Review August 9, 2010 / 29 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
A New York judge ruled Tuesday that street vendors need a license to sell novelty President Obama condoms. They're selling like hotcakes. Half the country wants to be protected by the president and the other half wants to be protected from the president.
California's ban on same-sex marriage was overturned by a federal judge in San Francisco Wednesday. Gay activists in Hollywood staged a massive victory march on Santa Monica Boulevard. The sheriffs arrested six hundred men for following too close.
Brett Favre said Tuesday he'll play this fall if he's healthy after he retired the day before. He loves to be declared dead, then make a triumphant return. The last guy who tried this was whipped within an inch of his life in a Mel Gibson movie.
Real Housewives of D.C. starred White House crasher Michaela Salahi Thursday. She made it into a White House state dinner last fall by slipping past guards at the fence. Barack Obama shook her hand in the receiving line and gave her U.S. citizenship.
The Commerce Department reduced the gulf drilling ban to four months Wednesday, signaling an awareness of consumer demand. The U.S. gets three-fourths of all its domestic oil from the Gulf of Mexico. A shortage of plastic straws could finish us off.
The White House said President Obama doesn't owe BP's Tony Hayward an apology for forcing him out as BP's CEO. BP accidentally blew up a well and cleaned up the mess while the president scared away the tourists and laid off the oil workers. Not only does Tony Hayward have his life back, he's leading in the polls in New Hampshire.
New Yorkers protested the construction of a huge mosque just a few blocks from the two new World Trade Center towers. It could cause problems. Al-Qaeda planners aren't certain they can pick up the one-three split without knocking over the ten pin.
Missouri voters passed a referendum Tuesday refusing to comply with President Obama's health care mandate that everyone must buy health insurance. This is the state that produced Harry Truman and Jesse James. The state's motto is Nobody Lives Forever.
Iran's government spokesman denied Tuesday that somebody tried to kill Mahmoud Ahmadinejad by tossing percussion grenades at his limousine on his way to a speech. The spokesman said admirers were tossing firecrackers toward the president in praise of him. It's ridiculous, but it's nice to know that Baghdad Bob has found work.
Nancy Pelosi canceled the August recess and called Congress back into session Wednesday to vote on a spending bill. Members were never happier to get back to Washington. They were followed all the way to the airport by taxpayers with pitchforks.
President Obama celebrated his birthday in Chicago on Wednesday while Michelle left for Spain. You know what it means when a first lady leaves the president for another land on his birthday. In the Anglican Cycle of Prayer it's Hillary Clinton Day.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton