Jewish World Review August 2, 2010 / 22 Menachem-Av, 5770
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Chelsea Clinton had a big wedding in New York on Saturday. The guests were all major Democratic donors. It was embarrassing seeing them go through the reception line kissing Chelsea and giving the envelope to Bill while Hillary looked the other way.
Chelsea Clinton married her longtime boyfriend Saturday as the National Enquirer reported that the couple was already in counseling. The toasts were so emotional. The bride's parents revealed the secret to a long marriage: separate houses and Secret Service protection.
John Kerry docked his new yacht in Rhode Island Monday to save on Massachestts sales taxes. Al Gore is sexually assaulting masseuses and John Kerry's ducking the tax man. If they'd been this colorful when they ran for president they would have won.
Mel Gibson was taped shouting at his Russian girlfriend that he wished they'd never had their child. She taped him while feigning terror. Ornithologists had predicted all along the oil spill would interrupt the mating season of the North American loons.
Pennsylvania Governor Ed Rendell said Tuesday he doesn't think President Obama should go on The View. There was no talking him out of it. If Larry King is slow-pitch softball, The View is tee ball without keeping score so no one's feelings get hurt.
The Tennessee Titans sued USC coach Lane Kiffin when he stole their backfield coach Monday. Months ago Kiffin himself ditched his contract with the Tennessee Volunteers college football team to coach at USC instead. There haven't been this many Tennessee stars headed West since Hee-Haw shot on location in Bakersfield.
BP's oil spill vanished Tuesday, prompting tourists and fishing boats to return to the gulf early. This doesn't mean an end to heartbreaking video footage on the news. All the ducks who work the oil spill circuit have moved on to the next location.
Australia's Julian Assange took a bow in London Monday after his WikiLeaks web site revealed Afghan war secrets. It's no surprise we know where Osama bin Laden meets his lieutenants every month. The surprise is that there's a Denny's in Kandahar.
Donald Trump predicted Tuesday that U.S. investors would move to other countries if the Bush tax cuts are allowed to expire in January by the Obama administration. This explains the exodus of illegal immigrants from Arizona this week. Even people who don't pay taxes aren't going to stick around once the Bush tax cuts expire.
The Treasury Department undertook a study Tuesday of the financial reform bill just passed. No one knows what it contains. Congress struck a secret deal behind closed doors to prevent Wall Streeters from striking secret deals behind closed doors.
Russia's health ministry warned Tuesday that alcohol and smoking were causing Russia's population to plummet. A TV news report showed men swimming in the Moscow River holding a drink and smoking a cigarette. It's an event they call the triathlon.
Britain's Tory government began preparing to reduce the size of their National Health Care system. It's too expensive to fund and too unwieldy to be effective. Little children who want to play doctor have to wait two years to make an appointment.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton