Jewish World Review August 27, 2009 / 7 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Westwood Cemetery allowed the auction of the crypt above Marilyn Monroe's crypt on eBay Monday for five million dollars. Now that's a star. Jack Kennedy will go down in American history as the last man who got to rest on top of Marilyn Monroe for free.
Elizabeth Edwards opened a furniture store in Chapel Hill Saturday. Her cheating husband John was seen carrying furniture into the store. As a man who slept on all those couches, he can tell the customers personally which ones are the most comfortable.
Hawaiians rallied in Honolulu Tuesday demanding independence from the U.S. They say the annexation of Hawaii was an act of U.S. and British imperialism which must be avenged. Maybe now everyone will believe that Barack Obama was born in Hawaii.
Fidel Castro defended President Obama Monday saying he's hampered by right-wing and racist extremists. He has a secret motive. It's customary to be nice to the guy in the next stall when you're about to ask him if you can borrow some toilet paper.
The White House urged Americans to get vaccinated for swine flu. That's on top of their warnings on global warming, recession and deficits. We're going to have so many track marks from vaccinations, Michael Jackson will be the father of our country.
Michael Jackson's death was ruled a homicide by the Los Angeles coroner's office Monday. He was on Atavan, Valium, Paxil, Demerol and the hospital anesthetic propofol. He was killed by a bullet fired two years ago but it was July before he felt anything.
Michael Jackson's drug intake was detailed in the coroner's report Monday. The drugs he took gradually stopped working and he needed more and more of them. Al Sharpton was right when he said the message of Jackson's life was increased tolerance.
NASA astronaut Jose Hernandez was invited to Mexico Monday by President Felipe Calderone. He was born in the U.S. to illegal aliens. The president wants to inspire young Mexicans to leave Mexico and stop costing the country a fortune in health care.
Iraq war protester Cindy Sheehan flew to Martha's Vineyard to protest the war in Afghanistan. She used to spend August in Texas and now she's on Martha's Vineyard. She's the only American who's improved her circumstances since the stock market crashed.
The U.S. Postal Service announced plans on Tuesday to fire thirty thousand postal workers. Who says the White House doesn't have a plan to protect this country? The idea is to make America so violent that no terrorist in his right mind would come here.
The White House infuriated CIA officials Tuesday by creating its own terrorist interrogation unit. The new unit will not be allowed to waterboard, threaten or humiliate terrorist detainees. The thinking is, maybe they'll tell us who trained them and where they were planning to strike next if we pay them forty-five hundred dollars for their old cars.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton