Jewish World Review August 26, 2009 / 6 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The White House was reported Monday pushing for all boys born in America to be circumcised. No one was surprised. It only stands to reason that after running up a nine trillion dollar deficit the only cuts they'd propose would be on foreskins.
The White House said Monday there will be no more Social Security cost-of-living increases. They've been promising they weren't going to pull the plug on Grandma. They didn't tell us they were going to let the electricity get turned off and let nature take its course.
President Obama played golf with a Swiss bank president and a U.S. congressman Monday at Martha's Vineyard. He was taking a big chance. Normally politicians and bankers only play golf in twosomes because it takes three people to prove a conspiracy.
Santa Barbara drivers watched in astonishment Sunday when a small airplane had to make an emergency landing on a local highway. There were just minor injuries. The aircraft crushed a VW Golf and totaled a Honda, then smashed to pieces when it hit a clunker.
Discovery Magazine reported Monday that a scientist says he's only four months from creating artificial life. It's been tried for years. Every body part has been replicated and reassembled and the best that science could come up with was Joan Rivers.
Orange County police ID'd a murdered swimsuit model Friday by the serial numbers on her breast implants. Nobody knew they were there. From now on if you ask a girl in an L.A. bar for her number, bring a bright light so she can read it through her skin.
Alec Baldwin said Monday he may run against Joe Lieberman for the U.S. Senate. The senator left the Democratic Party three years ago. He saw the party's collapse coming so early that short sellers on Wall Street now call him every day for tips.
Mexico's government on Friday decriminalized possession of user amounts of heroin and pot and cocaine. Reaction was swift. The Cincinnati Bengals announced that next season they will play four exhibition games and all eight home games in Acapulco.
The Minnesota Vikings said Monday that Brett Favre merchandise and Brett Favre jerseys were selling all over the upper Midwest. It marked the end of one era and the beginning of a new one. Until now everybody's favorite purple dinosaur was Barney.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton