Jewish World Review August 21, 2009 / 1 Elul 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Minnesota Vikings handed Brett Favre a two-year, twenty-five million dollar deal Tuesday. He said he's old and his arm isn't what it once was. The deal makes no sense football-wise but it's a winner if you factor in the Cash for Clunkers rebate.
South Carolina first lady Jenny Sanford told Vogue Monday her husband's affair with a mistress is an addiction like alcohol and pornography. The governor is at the end of his rope. He'd just like a little credit for not having a gambling problem.
Michael Jackson's casket was assigned Wednesday to the Holly Terrace mausoleum at Forest Lawn. He will rest next to Red Skelton, Clark Gable and W.C. Fields. One of the greatest honors of his life was to be voted into the Substance Abusers Hall of Fame.
Michael Phelps admitted he drank beer before his car wreck in Baltimore Friday, and now even though he wasn't drunk and the accident wasn't his fault, he's in hot water. The forces of the universe are conspiring against him. It's the Big Bong Theory.
Radisson Hotels announced Wednesday its computers were accessed by hackers over the last nine months. All credit card numbers used at the luxury hotels were stolen. The good news is, the towels are so thick you can sleep in the park on them for years.
Bill Clinton met with President Obama about his North Korean trip Tuesday. It was the first in-person meeting between them. They've often bumped into each other in the men's room but this is the first time they've ever had a chance to shake hands.
The U.S. Forest Service announced a plan Tuesday to plant eighteen million acres of new trees across the United States. At the rate the government's printing money they need the wood pulp. This is not so much a forest project as it is a currency farm.
CBS News producer Don Hewitt died at age eighty-six Wednesday. He invented the concept of televised presidential debates during the Kennedy-Nixon race. If Richard Nixon had listened to Hewitt's advice to wear make-up before his debate with Jack Kennedy, the metrosexual vote in Chicago might have been enough to put him over the top.
Barney Frank confronted a woman at a town hall who waved a poster of President Obama wearing a Hitler mustache. She went too far. Adolf Hitler and Barack Obama have nothing in common, other than the fact that they both want us all in Volkswagens.
House Chairman Henry Waxman demanded to see the personal financial records of every health insurance executive. It's to intimidate them into keeping silent in the health care debate. While Henry Waxman was home in L.A. he went to Dodger Stadium, where following the National Anthem he walked to the mound and threw out the First Amendment.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton