Jewish World Review August 19, 2009 / 29 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Reader's Digest filed for bankruptcy protection on Monday after eighty-seven years. Their format couldn't compete with the Internet. It's just impossible to condense a best-selling book to meet Twitter's limit of a hundred and forty characters.
Wisconsin researchers advertised for cokeheads Tuesday to study the effects of cocaine on the brain. That's easy. The high makes you feel all-powerful and the crash makes you feel like it might've been a big mistake to try to push health care through by August.
Surgeon General Regina Benjamin warned Burger King to lower the amount of salt in their food and to offer a healthier menu. There's a reason they want to get rid of Burger King. It's the Home of the Whopper and the White House wants that title.
Joe the Plumber announced Thursday he will try to do stand-up comedy at a club in the nation's capital. He's entering the comedy club's annual Funniest Person in Washington contest. Whoever tells the funniest President Obama joke gets twenty years.
President Obama's job approval ratings fell to forty-seven percent on Thursday in the Rasmussen Poll. It's no secret why he's falling. The Chevrolet dealer in Washington just offered him a forty-five hundred dollar rebate for health care reform.
Hillary Clinton in Africa Thursday likened Nigeria's blood-soaked presidential election to the Florida recount nine years ago. Nigeria used death squads. They roamed the countryside looking for people who'd exceeded their health care allotment.
President Obama held cordial town hall meetings on health care reform over the weekend. There was one tense moment. In Montana he promised not to pull the plug on Grandma, prompting Grandpa to call his mistress and tell her that Niagara Falls is off.
President Obama addressed the Veterans of Foreign Wars convention which was held in Phoenix on Monday. He interrupted his vacation to make the speech. He praised all the veterans who defeated fascism and communism, and then he forgave them.
President Obama told the Veterans of Foreign Wars that true love of country is not boisterous or loud. He's angry at the people who oppose the government takeover of health care. The Obama Doctrine states that any limit on federal power is racism.
President Obama hinted Sunday that the public option may be taken off the table in the health care bill. The left went ballistic. They were so angry at Obama that sixty of them were mistaken for Republicans and beaten to a pulp by Acorn volunteers.
The White House said Monday the administration may back away from a government health care plan and go to a system of private co-ops. The government wouldn't be involved at all. Everyone agrees that President Obama needs to spend more time with his family.
Regis Philbin returns to host ABC's Who Wants to Be a Millionaire this week for the show's tenth anniversary on the air. It's not nearly as popular as it once was. That scene at the end where the new millionaire is surrounded by Acorn protesters and ordered to pay back the bonus really takes a lot of the fun out of the fantasy.
ABC's Dancing with the Stars said Monday former GOP leader Tom DeLay will dance on the show this fall. He started out in life as a pest exterminator. In his audition tape Tom DeLay stomped on cockroaches to the tune of Dixie and the producers thought it's the best thing they've seen since Gene Kelly danced with a cartoon mouse.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton