Jewish World Review August 7, 2009 / 17 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wisconsin cops arrested four women for assaulting a married man who was having an affair with all of them. They got him naked, tied him to a chair, then crazy-glued his genitals to his belly. Nobody ever misses an episode of To Catch a Senator.
The White House released a study Tuesday showing that texting while driving is dangerous. That doesn't mean they're against it. Texting while driving's a bad idea unless you need to save money on health care and you are driving a busload of seniors.
Washington University researchers said Monday that depression is now affecting some kids at the age of three. It's so true. That's the age children are told if they don't do their pre-school homework, they are never going to get a job in this economy.
The White House reported a historic plunge in tax revenue on Monday. This puts a crimp in all the grand plans. Revenues are so low the only health care reform the country can afford is an executive order directing Americans to jog and eat broccoli.
The Transportation Department announced Tuesday it will hold a safety conference to discuss the dangers of texting while driving. It's actually safer to text and drive in Los Angeles. The number of drivers killed while texting is half the number who would've died from freeway shootings if the driver's hands had been free to draw.
Hillary Clinton was in Kenya Tuesday when her husband Bill got the call to fly to North Korea and rescue two female journalists. Every general on the continent of Africa wants to meet her in person. Her wedding ring is the original conflict diamond.
The U.S. Senate promised Tuesday to add two billion to the Cash for Clunkers program. Everybody's getting in with easy monthly payments. Six months from now Barney Frank will be demanding that banks modify car loans to keep people from losing their homes.
President Obama went to Indiana Wednesday to open a battery factory in Elkhart. He's announcing federal funds to create jobs to pay people to make batteries. Ever since dropping cash out of helicopters on Sunni insurgents cut violence in Iraq by ninety percent, it's been America's go-to plan for everything.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi accused health insurance companies of being immoral villains out to kill health care reform Thursday. It's no mystery. As soon as no pulse is detected, all the suspects gather in one room and point fingers at each other.
Congress pondered a two-hundred-percent tax hike on booze. They want to tax sugary drinks and fatty foods and munchies also. By this time next year, sober Americans who eat right and exercise will be demonized for not paying their fair share.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton