Jewish World Review August 3, 2009 / 13 Menachem-Av 5769
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Cash for Clunkers program ran out of government money after only five days Friday. It offered cash for unwanted guzzlers. People brought in their investment brokers and their spouses and their congressmen, but the dealers would only take cars.
Utah police were led on a car chase by a seven-year-old boy Sunday who heisted a Ford to avoid going to church. It took an hour to pull him over. The cop turned down the child's offer to settle everything over a couple of beers with the president.
Michael Jackson's kids were sold to his mother Friday by their biological mother Debbie Rowe. It's the third time she sold the kids to the family. She also acquired visitation rights, the bidding for which just reached fifty thousand dollars on eBay.
Citigroup paid billions in executive bonuses after receiving taxpayer bailout money. The bonuses are a good investment. It's important to retain these people inside Citigroup lest they escape into the wider economy and bring down the country.
The White House faced a growing call to withdraw from Afghanistan Friday after the Pentagon asked for the deployment of twenty thousand extra troops. After six years of U.S. occupation, the country is in chaos, panic and disorder. Our work is done.
Mexico police closed the beach in Cancun at the Gran Caribe Real Hotel Friday, claiming the hotel took the high-quality sand from the beach. They say the hotel made off with the fine white powder. The hotel says there is no law against possessing cut.
Nancy Pelosi fired back at health care reform opponents Friday by accusing the insurance industry of being evil. We'll all know soon. When the final Harry Potter book is released next year, Lord Voldemort is revealed to be a managed care executive.
The White House offered the Senate a proposal to pay for health care reform by slapping a huge tax on Botox, cheek implants, eyelifts, facelifts, collagen shots and boob jobs. The entertainment industry can't believe Obama would do this to them. This is the last time Hollywood backs a presidential candidate under the age of sixty.
Michelle Obama was told by environmental officials Friday that the soil in her White House vegetable garden is contaminated with lead from a fertilizer used during the Clinton administration. They used sewage sludge on the lawn. It was an attempt to show that Bill Clinton's DNA grows out of the ground and doesn't prove anything.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton