Jewish World Review August 14, 2008 / 13 Menachem-Av 5768

Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so

By Celia Rivenbark

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | With all the depressing talk of gas-saving "staycations" this summer, it's no surprise that I'm getting lots of news releases from people who want me to promote the ultimate staycation: The Family Camping Experience.

Clearly the public relations folks at these companies don't know me or they would realize that sending me a news release that offers suggestions on how to, and I am not making this up, "Cook on a Mountainside in the Worst Conditions" was a mistake. Sorry but I happen to think that the words "vacation" and "worst conditions" go together almost as well as, say, Barack Obama and plaid flannel.

Then there was the advisory from the makers of a handheld bug-repelling device that "efficiently repels black flies, mosquitoes and no-see-ums." You know what else repels those insects? Hotel rooms, that's what. Big, sumptuous hotel rooms with windows that are sealed shut and beds that don't brag in boldface type about having a "chest-high heat baffle and forehead comfort tube." I refuse to take a vacation/staycation where, rather than contemplate the supreme joy that comes with an impossibly high thread count I must fumble for a blow-up pillow that looks and smells like a kid's swim ring. The camp-bed boasts a "silken" lining. That's right; just like a CASKET.

The nation's understandable obsession with high gas prices has created a cottage industry of people who hate cottages. Stark-white cedar-shingled oceanfront cottages with central air, flat-screen plasma TVs and portable wine cellars, that is. Ahhhhhh.

But, then, why would I want that sort of comfort when I could embrace the Great Outdoors? Why, with my stainless-steel multi-tool, the absolute latest in versatile camping knick-knacks, I can not only open a can of cold beef stew under the, ick, stars, but also use the handy hook at the end to disembowel a bear.

Speaking of bears, I'm reminded via one news release that campers should always remember to hang all foodstuffs high in the trees so as not to tempt the wildlife. You know where wild animals won't walk up and try to take your supper? Restaurants, that's where. Fabulous restaurants with ICE and linen napkins. When was the last time you actually saw a hungry coyote strolling through Ruth's Chris Steakhouse? My point. Plus they're probably too stupid to order the bread pudding. You know coyotes.

One news release reminded me that stay-cationers should invest in a portable navigation system. These are especially useful for campers who cannot find their rear ends with both hands and a flashlight. They're small enough to fit in your hand, conveniently leaving the other hand for waving goodbye to any hope of ever seeing your family again. I have a favorite navigation system, too. It's called a pilot. A camping staycation? Pass.