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Jewish World Review August 14, 2008 / 13 Menachem-Av 5768 Stars? Great outdoors? I don't think so By Celia Rivenbark http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | With all the depressing talk of gas-saving "staycations" this summer, it's no surprise that I'm getting lots of news releases from people who want me to promote the ultimate staycation: The Family Camping Experience. Clearly the public relations folks at these companies don't know me or they would realize that sending me a news release that offers suggestions on how to, and I am not making this up, "Cook on a Mountainside in the Worst Conditions" was a mistake. Sorry but I happen to think that the words "vacation" and "worst conditions" go together almost as well as, say, Barack Obama and plaid flannel. Then there was the advisory from the makers of a handheld bug-repelling device that "efficiently repels black flies, mosquitoes and no-see-ums." You know what else repels those insects? Hotel rooms, that's what. Big, sumptuous hotel rooms with windows that are sealed shut and beds that don't brag in boldface type about having a "chest-high heat baffle and forehead comfort tube." I refuse to take a vacation/staycation where, rather than contemplate the supreme joy that comes with an impossibly high thread count I must fumble for a blow-up pillow that looks and smells like a kid's swim ring. The camp-bed boasts a "silken" lining. That's right; just like a CASKET. The nation's understandable obsession with high gas prices has created a cottage industry of people who hate cottages. Stark-white cedar-shingled oceanfront cottages with central air, flat-screen plasma TVs and portable wine cellars, that is. Ahhhhhh. But, then, why would I want that sort of comfort when I could embrace the Great Outdoors? Why, with my stainless-steel multi-tool, the absolute latest in versatile camping knick-knacks, I can not only open a can of cold beef stew under the, ick, stars, but also use the handy hook at the end to disembowel a bear. Speaking of bears, I'm reminded via one news release that campers should always remember to hang all foodstuffs high in the trees so as not to tempt the wildlife. You know where wild animals won't walk up and try to take your supper? Restaurants, that's where. Fabulous restaurants with ICE and linen napkins. When was the last time you actually saw a hungry coyote strolling through Ruth's Chris Steakhouse? My point. Plus they're probably too stupid to order the bread pudding. You know coyotes. One news release reminded me that stay-cationers should invest in a portable navigation system. These are especially useful for campers who cannot find their rear ends with both hands and a flashlight. They're small enough to fit in your hand, conveniently leaving the other hand for waving goodbye to any hope of ever seeing your family again. I have a favorite navigation system, too. It's called a pilot. A camping staycation? Pass. Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here. Celia Rivenbark is an award-winning news reporter and freelance columnist for The Sun News in Myrtle Beach, S.C. Comment by clicking here. Honesty in the name of fashion Perfect attendance award is for little, viral losers Trendy new ailment not for everybody What is wrong with the women today who marry insanely rich and talented men and then think they still have to cook? Shagadelic on the dance floor Ex-boyfriends can have the worst timing Little wonder many voters are confused Sound bites not easy in Southern I swear it's not my fault Celebrity news gets weirder, trumps all else Driver's license? Outta my way while I get `em Like taking Miley Cyrus tickets from a baby Driving under the influence of celebrity Hugged your Webkinz today? Hate mail spawned by humor columns ‘High School Musical’ rocks to the max! Where did latest ‘syndrome’ come from? Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Tell the truth, folks, we all love Paris' trauma and drama Office gossip is protected free speech First-class corpse Song lyrics have only gotten dumber Talk to the clock because the ISP doesn't care Being a happy human vessel has its limits Who's not your daddy? Phoning for dazzlers Proper spelling begins at home Sick of the waiting room Road signs Halt your motion toward the lotion Sudoku's got my husband's number One short stack of smarts, please Spa me the kids IRS wants us to like it so much that it smacks of desperation Uniforms: Soul-sucking sameness Girls' pajama parties a little different now Welcome back for guilt-free manly man A big boo-hoo for disgraced celebs Girls' pajama parties a little different now When Bubbas and hoes are extra welcome Ageless icons can't escape their ages Gifts to kids' teachers make competitive moms antsy Kid bumper stickers sure not ‘terrific’ © 2007, The Sun News Distributed by Knight Ridder/Tribune Information Services

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