Jewish World Review August 29, 2008 / 28 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Barack Obama gave his acceptance speech Thursday on a stage resembling a Greek temple. It was for TV ratings. In Greek temples they sacrificed virgins or goats, and either way it would entice viewers to think Bill Clinton was part of the ceremony.
Major League umpires began using instant replay on home runs Thursday. Testing was inconclusive. The umpires saw a replay of Hillary Clinton's convention speech three times and they couldn't tell if her endorsement of Barack Obama was fair or foul.
Hillary Clinton walked onstage at the convention Tuesday where she was greeted by a sea of Hillary for President signs. She then delivered a speech that brought down the house. Most women who want to make their husbands jealous just have an affair.
Barack Obama was nominated for president Wednesday by a roll call vote of the Democratic convention in Denver. It was a historic moment in American history. Half the party was thrilled that an African-American was nominated for president and the other half could only console each other that he was British on his mother's side.
Bill Clinton spoke at the Democratic convention Wednesday despite his anger at being told he'd only have ten minutes of speaking time. He couldn't stay mad forever. As a favor to comedians he ended his speech by releasing all his delegates to John Edwards.
Democrats had an ABC News producer arrested Tuesday for videotaping Democratic donors and senators at a Denver hotel. The party has nothing against free speech. Democrats are simply complying with the Continuity of Government Act in case they win.
The Democratic convention drew fourteen million viewers on the three broadcast networks combined Monday. The number is so low that the viewers divide easily into three categories. They are people who are passionate about the candidates, people who are passionate about the issues, and people who are still angry about the Civil War.
Joe Biden addressed the convention Wednesday, four days after Barack Obama named him his running mate. He hasn't polled well. Some commentators openly ridicule his hair plugs, proving once again that in politics it's not the crime, it's the cover-up.
Democratic convention delegates were reported Thursday to have been very drunk in Denver bars every night. It just takes one at that altitude. It was foolish to schedule a tribute to the hundredth anniversary of Mark Twain's I Have a Drink speech.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton