Jewish World Review August 25, 2008 / 24 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Denver police were urged by a city panel not to arrest anyone for marijuana use at the Democratic convention. Last night one delegate learned to roll his first one-paper joint. Do you know how much pot you can get into a copy of the Denver Post?
The Democratic convention is beset by a limousine shortage in Denver this week, leaving many delegates without a driver. The Democrats can only put a brave face on it. Their grandparents made it through the Great Depression, their parents made it through the Second World War and they will make it through this limousine shortage.
Denver decided to close down Interstate 45, which runs by the stadium where Barack Obama will give his acceptance speech Thursday. No one wants anything to happen to him. There's no confidence that the resurrection would happen in time for the election.
Hillary Clinton delegates declared Friday that she'll be a force at the Denver convention. The same day, federal officials scrapped the do-it-yourself deportation program. When Hillary Clinton didn't move to England they wrote it off as a good try.
Barack Obama first revealed his running mate choice by text-messaging the name to his supporters. John McCain absolutely refuses to announce his running mate by text message. He knows that when you send people telegrams they think somebody's died.
Barack Obama and John McCain agreed on a debate schedule Thursday. They kept one eye on the TV ratings. The presidential candidates will debate three times, their running mates will debate once, and Cindy McCain will play Michelle Obama in beach volleyball.
China angrily denied Friday that their women gymnasts are under sixteen. They look like sixth-graders. The idea of an eighteen-year-old girl looking twelve has polygamist ranches in Texas enrolling all their newborn girls in gymnastics classes.
Jamaican sprinter Usain Bolt was blasted by the IOC Friday for waving his arms and dancing after he won the gold. He had his reasons. If you don't have a good end-zone dance you're never going to get a job as a wide receiver in Dallas or Cincinnati.
The Mars Lander relayed soil sample data to the Livermore Laboratory Thursday, revealing the past presence of ice and water. Scientists have two questions. They want to know if there is life on Mars, and if there is, if John Edwards is the father.
Women's beach volleyball proved the most popular sport at the Olympics Thursday with the U.S. winning the gold. The girls are tremendous athletes. How they can keep their balance with all those dollar bills stuck into their bikinis is anybody's guess.
Toyota showcased its hydrogen-powered car at the Sandia Science and Technology Park in Albuquerque Wednesday to show its safety. Hydrogen is highly flammable. They fired an armor-piercing bullet in the tank and when nothing exploded the car was deemed freeway safe for Los Angeles.
Phil Collins was ordered to pay forty-seven million dollars in alimony Monday. That's what Paul McCartney paid. Love-song writers are finally being held liable for the damage caused to the public by their products, the same as tobacco companies and gunmakers.
Marina del Rey was invaded Thursday by hundreds of sharks, which swarmed around the yachts there. They're right at home. The disco-lined cove is a famous hunting ground for wealthy divorced men pursuing flight attendants, as shown on Animal Planet.
South Florida was flooded after Tropical Storm Fay stalled Thursday, displacing alligators and snakes into every neighborhood. Help arrived fast from the nation's capital. Nothing attracts Washington D.C. lobbyists to Florida like shoe-hunting season.
Barack Obama had a sneezing fit onstage Thursday from a cold he said he caught from his children. He blamed his own children rather than the strangers he meets every day on the campaign trail. This is how Reagan's kids ended up not talking to him.
The Food and Drug Administration approved a new technique Thursday for killing salmonella bacteria on lettuce and spinach. They don't dare have this technology where it matters. If Mexico acquires radiation we won't be safe until we take their oil.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton