Jewish World Review August 19, 2008 / 16 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Hershey's announced it will raise the price of all candy bars by eleven percent Friday and blamed sugar and cocoa costs. Americans will pay it gladly. Everything that's wholesome and good for you costs four dollars a pound and has salmonella in it.
Fort Worth homeowners were reported Sunday selling natural gas drilling rights to their backyards to Chesapeake Energy. The city sits on a huge gas field. The drilling is bitterly opposed by health officials who fear gas leaks and neighbors who smoke.
Canada's government allowed a film production company to launch a digital porn channel on Canada's cable network Friday. The producers had to agree to use fifty percent Canadian talent. For every actress in Los Angeles this puts a crimp in Plan B.
The Dow Jones soared Friday on the sudden strength of the U.S. dollar. It caused a plunge in commodity prices that ruined gold traders. When Michael Phelps won his seventh gold medal Friday he got a telegram from Ed McMahon welcoming him to the club.
Rick Warren hosted Barack Obama and John McCain at Saddleback Church in Orange County. He took no questions from the audience. This is the crowd that would ask Barack Obama if he uses a different prayer rug on carpet than he does on hardwood.
National Enquirer editors said Friday they monitored the hotel room where John Edwards spent six hours with his mistress last month. They sent a team of reporters. No one wants to say who called in the story to the tabloid, but the next time you get a four-hundred-dollar haircut in Beverly Hills, you'd better leave an appropriate tip.
Bill Clinton told people in Africa last week that they must practice monogamy. He also advised a limited number of sex partners. If narcissism were labeled a disease by the AMA tomorrow, Bill Clinton's HMO would drop him for having a pre-existing condition.
Nancy Pelosi threatened Friday to strip Joe Lieberman of his Homeland Security chairmanship if he doesn't stop criticizing Barack Obama. She's in the House and he's in the Senate. The only power Nancy Pelosi has to strip Joe Lieberman is if she decides to moonlight as an airport screener and he comes through her checkpoint.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton