Jewish World Review August 18, 2008 / 15 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street rallied on falling oil prices Friday as the U.S. dollar soared. Gold has fallen two hundred dollars an ounce in three weeks. Every time Michael Phelps asks his broker for today's price of gold it all seems like a lot of work for nothing.
The Olympic Games in Beijing commanded huge ratings for NBC Sports. There are no surprises. China led the world in gold Friday, if you don't count the money that flew out of international markets and into the United States in search of a safe haven.
Russia threatened nuclear attack on Poland Friday after Poland agreed to host a U.S. missile base. It's a misunderstanding. For years the U.S. has tried to convince Russia to get rid of their nuclear bombs but we didn't mean by dropping them on Poland.
Tiger Woods's golf coach Hank Haney will try to fix Charles Barkley's horribly ugly swing on a new Golf Channel series. A lot is at stake. If Hank Haney can fix Charles Barkley's swing he will replace Tony Blair as peace envoy for the Middle East.
The Democratic Party assigned next week's convention speaking slots Friday. It works out for everyone. Hillary Clinton will address the Democratic Convention in Denver Tuesday and John Edwards will address a Swinger's Convention in Reno on Friday.
Hillary Clinton's name will be put in nomination at the Democratic convention under a deal she reached with Obama's campaign Thursday. He should be very careful. If Barack Obama's people think Hillary's people can't come into Denver and steal this thing, they need to remember that Colorado used to belong to the Cheyenne.
Los Angeles schools begin a new year today under severe budget cuts. They cut classroom supplies for teachers but gave out free condoms to students. This should help everyone who can't afford to have an affair with a student on a teacher's salary.
Donald Trump bought Ed McMahon's foreclosed mansion in Beverly Hills and will allow him to live there. It rescues him from eviction by the marshals. When you see what poverty looks like in Los Angeles it's no wonder they are walking here from Argentina.
Denver police Friday unveiled their facility for detaining protesters arrested at the Democratic convention. It's an industrial warehouse that has been outfitted with chain-link cells topped with razor wire. The idea is to make it look so much like Guantanamo that Barack Obama's relatives don't show up until after the election.
Barack Obama went bodysurfing at Honolulu's Sandy Beach Thursday after snorkeling earlier in the day. It's all about aquatic sports during this Olympic week. Not to be outdone, John McCain began ordering Scotch and water instead of drinking it straight up.
Alaska Senator Ted Stevens was revealed Thursday to have flipped a Florida condo for one hundred thirty thousand dollars in profit, with the help of an interest-free loan he didn't disclose. The rest of the Senate is furious at him. He got a sweetheart loan, he didn't report it, and he didn't share the lobbyist with the rest of the class.
Sterling Hayden was revealed Friday to have been a heroic U.S. spy during World War II. He played a psychotic U.S. general who started a nuclear war with Russia in Dr. Strangelove. The Weather Channel aired the movie all weekend as the five-day forecast.
General Motors confirmed Friday it's in talks to sell its Hummer brand to a Moscow billionaire who wants to make Hummers in Russia. It's a perfect fit. If the Russians have tanks that can travel a hundred miles an hour, they can be in Paris in four hours.
Russian bombers spared Georgia's three oil pipelines Thursday. It appears to be a preemptive war on a small country for access to its oil and for regime change. White House lawyers are still debating if this is a violation of patent law or copyright law.
Russia defied U.S. warnings and extended its grip on Georgia Wednesday. It looks like the Evil Empire is back. Just last night CIA microphones picked up Osama bin Laden sitting around a campfire and telling the young guys how important he used to be.
Mikhail Gorbachev went on the Larry King show Thursday and accused Georgia of starting the crisis. This will most likely end with Russian troops in Georgia permanently. One hundred years from now, they will be arguing over whether Georgia's flag is racist.
Russia's invasion of Georgia failed to become a campaign issue in the American presidential race. Both candidates gave careful, measured, intelligent statements. They were determined not to be topped by Paris Hilton like they were on energy policy.
Jerry Lewis was cited at the Las Vegas airport for carrying an unloaded gun in his carry-on luggage. He has a very good reason for carrying the handgun. That's what it takes nowadays to book a variety show in Hollywood when all you pay is union scale.
N.Y. Times film critic Elvis Mitchell explained twelve thousand dollars in cash hidden in a shoebox to U.S. Customs officials by saying he's afraid of banks. He's not alone. Mattress companies now advertise that this year's queen-size holds forty percent more cash than last year's.
The USC Trojans sidelined dozens of their players Wednesday because they were suffering from jock itch. The coach said the team's new too-tight elastic underpants cause the rash. It's such torture that Dick Cheney's coming to practice to see how it works.
Every weekday JewishWorldReview.com publishes what many in the media and Washington consider "must-reading". Sign up for the daily JWR update. It's free. Just click here.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements.
Comment by clicking here.
© 2007, Argus Hamilton