Jewish World Review August 14, 2008 / 13 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Wall Street saw oil prices fall again Tuesday from shrinking demand. Americans have cut their gas usage by eight hundred thousand barrels per day. It's gotten to where child kidnappers are only abducting children who fit into their bicycle baskets.
House Speaker Nancy Pelosi caved in Monday and agreed to allow a floor vote on offshore drilling. She's buying time. The only way the Democrats can stop offshore drilling now is if they can convince Americans that Michael Phelps is allergic to oil.
U.S. Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps continued winning gold medal after gold medal Tuesday. At the rate the price of gold is falling he's not having as good a week as he thought. Perhaps in four years the medals will be made out of Elvis's jumpsuits.
Spain's Olympic basketball team insulted their Chinese hosts Tuesday. They all pushed up the outer corners of their eyes during a team photograph. This is what happens when you tell athletes not to discuss politics, they fall back on ethnic humor.
Stanford released a twenty-year study Monday proving jogging leads to a longer life. It's feast or famine. Three-fourths of the runners in the study made it past eighty, however one-fourth could only run seventy-five and were caught by the coyotes.
The London Daily Mail reported Monday that George Clooney is a secret adviser to Barack Obama. It said he advises the candidate on presentation and policies and body language. It's the same working arrangement John McCain has with Hulk Hogan.
ohn Edwards offered to take a DNA test to prove he did not father the infant born to the woman with whom he had an adulterous affair. What a lesson. John Edwards should have known better than to stray from his first love, cameras don't get pregnant.
John Edwards was reported Sunday to have paid mistress Rielle Hunter a hundred thousand dollars and given her a mansion. Nothing's changed. He's still the humble son of a mill worker with dreams of ending poverty, but now he's ending poverty one woman at a time.
Mark David Chapman was denied parole again in New York Tuesday. The board said the man who gunned down John Lennon is still a public safety threat. Just because Paul McCartney survived his marriage to Heather Mills doesn't mean he's bulletproof.
China admitted Monday that nine-year-old Lin Miaoke lip-synched their national anthem Friday to the recorded voice of another little Chinese girl. The adorable girl was told that she can't sing and the singer was told she wasn't cute enough. You spend one day in show business and suddenly sewing for Wal-Mart doesn't sound so inhumane.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton