Jewish World Review August 11, 2008 / 10 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Elvis Presley's peacock jumpsuit was sold Thursday for three hundred thousand dollars at auction. It sold to an undisclosed buyer in New York. When Bill Clinton makes his entrance at the Democratic National Convention you can see it for yourself.
Bill Clinton got testy Thursday when asked about Barack Obama's qualifications and Brett Favre's trade to New York. Imagine his ire. Eight years ago he left orders for the Hubbell Telescope to be programmed to place him at the center of the universe.
Barack Obama took off on vacation in Hawaii for a week Friday just as the John Edwards scandal was breaking. Everyone was walking on eggshells. When he landed in Honolulu and a Hawaiian woman offered him a lei, he turned around and ran back into the plane.
John Edwards admitted Friday to having an adulterous affair on the campaign trail and he was immediately replaced as a speaker at the Democratic convention by Bill Clinton. The lesson is clear. You cannot act like that when everybody likes your wife.
Elizabeth Edwards agreed to speak at the Democratic convention Friday and John Edwards said he was promised a speech. Bill and Hillary will also speak. The Pledge of Allegiance that night could provide one of the funniest moments in television history.
John Edwards wrote a lengthy apology Friday for cheating on his wife with a campaign staffer. He beat himself up in paragraph after paragraph for being only ninety-nine percent honest. Just when you think no one could be more self-pitying and narcissistic than Brett Favre, John Edwards comes out of nowhere to bring home the gold.
Brett Favre was dealt to New York by Green Bay Wednesday. The Jets have an end zone seating section where the women are encouraged to go topless. If they don't want the Lambeau Leap to migrate to New York they should move the topless section up one level.
Detroit Mayor Kwame Kilpatrick was jailed Thursday over an affair he denied until his BlackBerry revealed he was having text-message sex with the woman. It's so unfair. In order to get a jury of his peers, he would have to have his trial on a Los Angeles freeway.
Russian troops on Friday invaded the Georgian province of Ossetia, where Josef Stalin was raised. This is one tough neighborhood. Georgian kidnappers once sent Josef Stalin his son's fingertip and demanded a ransom, and Stalin said he wanted more proof.
Osama bin Laden's chauffeur Salim Hamdan was sentenced to five years in prison Thursday but will only have to serve five months. Everyone's okay with that. Anybody with the courage to drive with today's gasoline prices deserves a little respect.
The Georgia Bulldogs were voted number one in college football Thursday despite eight recent arrests and six suspensions. The school took swift action. They took the team photo out of the school annual to make witness identification more difficult.
Paris Hilton urged offshore drilling and tax breaks for electric cars in a mock campaign ad which drew raves. You know where this is going. The last presidential debate will be hosted by Jeff Foxworthy and titled, Are You Smarter than Paris Hilton?
Hillary Clinton was videotaped last week telling her supporters she may let them place her name in nomination at the Denver convention. The next day she announced the winner of her Have Dinner with Hillary contest for donors. The Barack Obama campaign bought sixty-seven hundred entries for Jack Kevorkian but he still didn't win.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton