Jewish World Review August 5, 2008 / 4 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Ludacris released a profane rap song endorsing Barack Obama Friday. Many don't understand rap. When most Americans heard that President Bush decided to bail out Freddie Mac, they wondered why the government was putting money into Death Row Records.
Albany College researchers found cell phones give off dangerous radiation last week. This is not discouraging their use. Last month when California outlawed talking on cellphones in the car, drivers began using them to microwave dinner on the way home.
Dodger Stadium sold an extra ten thousand tickets for Manny Ramirez's first game Friday. They all wanted to see Joe Torre manage five starting outfielders with hot tempers. His acquisition puts the team a leg up on their local competitor, the Los Angeles Zoo.
NBC's former executive James Walsh admitted Friday that he embezzled one million dollars. The judge ordered him to repay two hundred thousand dollars. Investors were so impressed with the logic that the judge was just named president of Citigroup.
Georgia residents of Lavonia pitched in Friday and purchased their local strip bar, Cafe Risque, and burned it down. They bought it just so they could burn it down. We've learned that's a lot better than occupying it and trying to teach it democracy.
Barack Obama proposed giving each American family a one thousand dollar check to help pay their higher monthly energy bills. He wants a windfall profits tax on oil companies to pay for the giveaway. If Barack Obama makes a campaign stop in Texas or Oklahoma this fall, it'll be because his plane had to make an emergency landing.
GOP candidate Ron Paul co-sponsored Congressman Barney Frank's bill to eliminate federal laws against marijuana possession. It could solve a lot of things. People drive so slowly when they're stoned, it could save America ten million barrels of oil a day.
The House of Representatives passed a bill Thursday naming tobacco a drug and placing it under FDA supervision. How very clever. They think if it's classified as a drug, Baby Boomers will start smoking again, and that could save Social Security.
Ohio police apprehended a man Thursday who walked into the men's room of a gas station, then came out of the men's room naked and mumbling. It caught the nation's attention. You never hear about the times that Senator Larry Craig gets away with it.
The Food and Drug Administration blamed the salmonella outbreak on the contaminated irrigation water on Mexican farms. What is wrong with Mexico? Any other country with that much tequila and oil would need a seven-hundred-mile-long wall to keep Americans out
Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert announced Wednesday he will step down from office next month. The day before, cable news political pundits in America were saying that you can take it to the bank that he would remain in office. That's how safe our banks are.
Saudi Arabia outlawed dog-walking Tuesday, claiming that people use dog-walking as an excuse to flirt. The regime could be overthrown by the Americans any day now. If the Saudis think we're sentimental about office towers they should see how we feel about dogs.
Hillary Clinton is having an online contest to raise the millions she needs to pay off her campaign debt, and the winner gets to have dinner with her. That's a lot of baggage. Most guys don't even want to have dinner with a woman who needs her car repaired.
The Washington Post editorial page chided Barack Obama on Wednesday for acting as if he were already the President of the United States. He's becoming a lot more humble as the campaign grinds on. During the Democratic primaries he acted as if he were Jesus.
China was accused Tuesday of installing Internet spy equipment in all Beijing hotel rooms to monitor Olympic visitors and journalists. Every hotel guest's web history, messages, searches and key strokes will be spied on by the Chinese government. This time next year, China will be flooding our markets with a shorter and less expensive Bob Costas.
JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton