Jewish World Review August 4, 2008 / 3 Menachem-Av 5768
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Los Angeles Dodgers stunned the baseball world by acquiring Boston Red Sox legend Manny Ramirez Friday. He's world famous for his tremendous talent and his crazy behavior. He'll blend into Los Angeles like it's the Witness Protection Program.
French Riviera beachgoers said Friday fewer women than ever are sunbathing topless this year due to American influence. They're wrong about Americans. Anyone carrying more than three ounces of liquid in a plastic bag has to take everything off.
The Transportation Department said Americans reduced their driving by billions of miles last month. Driving is too expensive and flying is unbearable. Stagecoach travel is so imminent Warren Buffet just launched a hostile takeover of Preparation H.
A Qantas Airlines flight had to make an emergency landing in Manila Monday. The passengers were not happy. Before takeoff the flight attendants announced that in the unlikely event of a water landing there will be a two-dollar charge for the water.
Citigroup found itself facing possible charges of fraudulent marketing of securities Friday in New York. The shareholders in the bank are really suffering. Some of them can't even get their money out because the ATM's have a twenty-dollar minimum.
U.S. Congress candidate David Powell assured a crowd of Hasidic Jews in Brooklyn Friday that he will bring home the bacon. It wasn't his week. The night before, he told the Young Republicans Club he understands their issues because he's a bowler too.
Alabama Democrats were put under investigation by the state's attorney general for vote fraud Thursday. He says Democrats sold their votes for cash, for gravel and for crack. While it's true that life imitates art, more often it imitates Chicago.
Exxon Mobil reported the largest quarterly profit in business history Thursday with almost twelve billion in earnings. How much money have they made in the last year? If Exxon had any sense they'd give up on offshore drilling and go into offshore banking.
Barack Obama insinuated Thursday that Republicans are always reminding voters he's black. It was startling. When Depends first came out, doctors were horrified to discover how many people were incontinent, and now we find out that everybody's blind.
Hillary Clinton was removed from Barack Obama's list of possible running mates Thursday. She'll be back. She was last seen holding up a clump of dirt in front of her mansion in Chappaqua and vowing that she will never take the caucuses for granted again.
Washington Governor Christine Gregoire was turned away at a bar last week when she had no ID and the doorman thought she was too young. She's sixty-one. Someday a two-week vacation to Beverly Hills will be as common for women as a dental check-up.
The National Enquirer said Thursday that John Edwards has arranged hush money payments to his mistress and mother of his love child. It must be true. John Edwards sues people for a living, and if they were libeling him he would end up owning the National Enquirer and Bill Clinton would never have a moment's peace for the rest of his life.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2007, Argus Hamilton