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Removing the perfectionist's mask By Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald
What you need to know about those who are never satisfied with themselves
Your child is suffering from low self-esteem that has its source in what I call the "perfection syndrome." The perfection syndrome works as follows: Everybody needs to be and wants to be successful in life. Everybody in life wants to "make it."
When people today are asked to name a successful businessman, eighty percent will answer "Bill Gates," because he "made it" and he is the biggest. Our concept of success is the biggest and the best. Let's explore the danger and unhealthiness of this train of thought. Although we Jews who follow Torah should not see this as it is perceived by the rest of the world, unfortunately this outlook permeates every part of society and affects us as well.
Forbes publishes a list of the hundred richest men in the world; whoever is number 101 is passé - he didn't make it. Western civilization has created a world of depressed losers, because western civilization only accepts the pinnacle, the top-of-the-top, as being successful. Everybody else is less.
In society at large, achievement means that a person is going to be judged by the results of his efforts. There are degrees in status represented by income, money, wealth. Thus a person's status is labeled by what he does. You have to do something in order to achieve status. In that society, an accomplishment has no value for its own sake. There is no understanding that we do something just because it is the right thing to do, just because it is good to do. Our efforts have to be measured and quantified and labeled in a way that affirms that I am better and more successful than the next guy.
Or consider the Olympics. A man can spend ten to fifteen years of his life training for this event. He becomes one of the ten fastest runners in his country. He goes to the Olympics and he competes to make it into the preliminaries. He is now one of the fifteen fastest runners in the world. Then the fifteen best in the world compete against each other and the "winner" is the one who becomes Number 1. He wins the gold medal; the second runner-up gets compensation, the silver medal; the third, not so bad, at least he's in the winners' circle. The man who comes in fourth is a loser. Contemplate this thought. He is the fourth fastest athlete in the world, yet he is a loser.
Eating disorders, which have become so common, are fed by the "look" promoted in the media. Young people feel they need to look like the people they see in the media. The civilization we live in has created an extremely unhealthy, distorted, demented, depressed world. An estimated 26.2 percent of Americans 18 years and older — about one in four adults — suffer from a diagnosable mental disorder in a given year(1). Western civilization has created a sad society, a society of losers.
When we accept that our child has to be the "best," we are creating a sad society, because that is not the Torah's view. The Torah's view is that you have to be the best that you can be. It is not a competition. You are who you are, and you deal with what you have, and you become what you can become, and you don't have to compete with anyone. Sure, there are people to learn from, but there is no one to compete with. That is the absolute basis of an authentic Jewish education and it is the absolute foundation of avodas Hashem (service of the Divine).
Because our society has become so achievement-oriented, the secret of our being able to teach our children properly and raise them to be well-balanced adults in today's world is first learning to accept ourselves for who we are and stop the competition. Stop trying to become something we are not and be happy with who we are! Being happy with who we are does not mean that we do not need to continue growing and developing. It means self-acceptance. Accepting ourselves and understanding that there is a long way to go for everybody. Every one of us has a long way to go.
Self-acceptance means accepting where we are and knowing that we have to move on as individuals, and not in relation to a comparison with others. We don't need to look around constantly and say, "The world does not accept me. Society does not accept me. This neighbor looks at me one way, that one looks at me in another way." All that doesn't make a difference. Once you accept yourself, you have a place in society. When you do not accept yourself, you do not have a place in society and your children do not have a place in society. Wanting to grow and move forward is very important.
Take it step by step. Start moving in the direction you know you need to go and don't let yourself feel frustrated. The Divine knows and understands your battles and challenges and He will help you get to where you need to go as long as you are trying.
Anyone who wants to grow must understand that we cannot feel down when we perceive that there are still battles before us. We cannot look at others and think, "Where are they and where am I?" Even thirty years later we will still need to remember this and continue to battle and continue to move forward. Sometimes we'll have greater success and sometimes less, but we must remember that the light at the end of the tunnel is not a place we need to reach but a continuous direction we need to move in. The only thing we will be judged for is for what we did not try to do, not for our success or lack thereof. Success IS the process!
It is time we teach our children the secret of self-acceptance. It is time we make sure that they know and understand that the only person whose progress we care about is theirs. From the youngest age we need to inculcate our belief in them as individuals and our pride in their success at each step forward, irrelevant of anyone else.
Does this sound too idealistic? Does this sound as if I am not living in this world and I do not know about reality? If you think so, then you have to work on your own self-acceptance and you will find it difficult to accept your children for who they are and who they are not.
I am aware that this is a tall order and intend to clarify this even further in future column.
(1) Kessler RC, Chiu WT, Demler O, Walters EE. Prevalence, severity, and comorbidity of twelve-month DSM-IV disorders in the National Comorbidity Survey Replication (NCS-R). Archives of General Psychiatry, 2005 June 62(6):617-27
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Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald is founding principal of Me'ohr Bais Yaakov Teacher's Seminary in Jerusalem, and is a popular lecturer and consultant on education and parenting. He is the author, most recently, of
"Preparing Your Child for Success".
© 2008, Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald | ||||||||||
