Jewish World Review August 3, 2007 / 19 Menachem-Av, 5767
The good old days, when celebrities weren't train wrecks
By Barry Koltnow
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | I've been feeling a little nostalgic lately.
Maybe it's my advancing age, but I often find myself sitting alone in the dark and dwelling on better times. I miss those days. Call me an old coot, but that's how I feel.
Just the other day, I sat in a comfortable chair in my living room and jotted down some of the things I miss about the good old days. I wonder if you'll agree with me.
Remember when celebrities weren't pathetic?
Remember when celebrities didn't make you cringe?
Remember when celebrities weren't so incredibly stupid?
Remember when celebrities made you blush, but didn't make you sick?
Remember when you used to get a vicarious thrill from watching celebrities drive by in an exotic car?
Remember when you didn't have to turn away because watching celebrities is like witnessing a horrifying car crash?
Remember when celebrities made you smile?
Remember when celebrities didn't drag their children out in public and make them prey for the paparazzi?
Remember when celebrities weren't being arrested all the time?
Remember when you didn't know the first and last names of celebrities' attorneys?
Remember when "a small amount of cocaine was found" wasn't part of every celebrity news story?
Remember when a celebrity sued publications for taking pictures of their private parts?
Remember when celebrities didn't complain about their loss of privacy after they hung out in a product-sponsored beach house in Malibu, where they knew they were going to be photographed by paparazzi who'd been invited to stand on the beach and take pictures?
Remember when a celebrity wouldn't be caught dead being photographed with an alcohol-detection anklet?
Remember when a celebrity wouldn't wear a short skirt in public if she was wearing an alcohol-detection anklet?
Remember when celebrities were considerate enough to drive their car off a canyon road alone and not endanger the rest of us by speeding through the streets while intoxicated?
Remember when a celebrity didn't drive the wrong way on a freeway?
Remember when celebrities were famous for acting, and not for acting out?
Remember when the expression "back in rehab" was something that celebrities tried to avoid?
Remember when we thought that Corey Feldman behaved badly?
Remember when celebrities only trashed hotel rooms?
Remember when a Hilton had to marry a beautiful movie star to get in the news?
Remember when celebrities only shaved their heads for an important movie role?
Remember when you didn't know the dates of celebrities' court appearances?
Remember when celebrity police mug shots were rare?
Remember Nick Nolte's mug shot?
Remember when a celebrity could make an innocent mistake, like falling down some steps during a concert, and not have it shown all over the world on YouTube.com?
Remember when a celebrity could make a career-altering mistake in public and cell phones with cameras hadn't been invented yet?
Remember when a celebrity gained a lot of weight and didn't turn it into a public and very profitable experience?
Remember when a celebrity lost a lot of weight and people compared her to Audrey Hepburn?
Remember when we assumed that celebrity weight loss had something to do with illegal drugs and not an eating disorder?
Remember when celebrity has-beens couldn't resurrect their careers by putting their private lives on public display on a reality series?
Remember when a celebrity had to be a Frank Sinatra, a Barbra Streisand or a Cher for the media to refer to them by their first names and have the public know who they were talking about?
Remember when jumping on Oprah's couch seemed like erratic behavior?
Remember when it was still considered big news when Angelina Jolie adopted a child?
Remember when Rosie O'Donnell was called the "Queen of Nice"?
Remember when Lindsay Lohan was that cute little kid from "The Parent Trap"?
Remember when Lindsay Lohan had only one DUI arrest on her record?
Remember when Lionel Richie was more famous than his daughter?
Remember when "dating a supermodel" meant something because there weren't that many supermodels?
Remember when Hugh Grant's night with a prostitute was considered a shocking example of bad celebrity behavior?
Remember when Anne Heche was gay?
Remember when there was still a genuine public debate as to whether Britney Spears was a pop star or a pop tart?
Remember when Kevin Federline was thought to be the bad parent in that relationship?
Remember when Anna Nicole Smith was really big news?
Remember Ben Affleck and Jennifer Lopez?
Remember Winona Ryder's shoplifting arrest?
Remember Robert Downey Jr. falling asleep in a neighbor's bedroom?
Remember when parents didn't talk to the tabloids about their wayward children?
Remember when the life of a celebrity was not a cautionary tale?
Well, those days are long gone, my friend, but it is still fun to remember.
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© 2007, The Orange County Register; Distributed by McClatchy-Tribune Information Services.