Jewish World Review August 28, 2006 / 4 Elul, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Pluto lost its status as a planet in a ruling Wednesday by the International Astronomical Union. All science books have to be re-written and re-illustrated. As a result of the decision, the planet now farthest from the earth is Washington D.C.
Pluto was stripped of its status as a planet by the International Astronomers Union on Thursday. They say it's too small and wobbles strangely and travels in unpredictable orbits. Tom Cruise was just downgraded from star for the same reasons.
Sumner Redstone's wife reportedly got him to fire Tom Cruise on Tuesday. The actor's rants about psychiatry and his preaching for Scientology were over the top. The next time Los Angeles hosts the Olympics, flipping out will be a demonstration sport.
Peter Coors pleaded Friday to a reduced charge of driving while impaired, but not under the influence. It's simple logic. If he was drinking Coors he might have been bloated from all the water but he couldn't have been under the influence of alcohol.
Hillary Clinton strategized with Ned Lamont in Connecticut Friday. It's hard for Democrats to rally the nation during prosperous times. This week, one third of all Americans are ill-clad and ill-housed and ill-fed, only they call it camping.
British troops turned over a base south of Baghdad to the Iraqis on Thursday, then looters stole everything including the doors and windows. It won't always be like this. One day their congressmen will just vote themselves a pay raise like ours do.
Warren Buffett gave away more billions to the Gates Foundation Thursday. It's part of his plan to give away his entire fortune so his kids can't inherit it. Peter Falk is so tired of playing Columbo but these scripts simply write themselves.
Survivor's producers said Thursday the show will divide teams by race this year. It will be blacks against whites against Asians against Hispanics. The Asian team will be provided defensive weapons in case the other teams didn't get into a good school.
Bill Clinton was caught by cameras sleeping at the Mets-Cardinals game in New York Tuesday. The timing was terrible for his wife's campaign. Republicans always claimed he had slept with fifty thousand people and now there is photographic proof.
Hillary Clinton addressed a Hurricane Katrina memorial at a black church in New York Sunday. She had the crowd mesmerized. It was a stroke of sheer genius for her advisors to design a hairstyle which looked exactly like JonBenet Ramsey's.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton