Jewish World Review August 23, 2006 / 29 Menachem-Av, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Princeton Review released its annual list naming the University of Texas at Austin as the nation's top party school. The students ranked third in beer drinking and second in hard liquor. They see Snakes on a Plane whenever they take a flight before noon.
Barry Bonds told reporters Sunday that family considerations would determine whether he keeps playing. The locals love him. Every other morning the Sparkletts fellow drops by his house and delivers a five-gallon bottle filled with clean urine.
Hitler's Cross restaurant opened in the financial district in Bombay Tuesday, displaying a painting of the Fuehrer at the front door and offering continental fare. It is not for people with feeble appetites. The child's plate is Switzerland.
Hezbollah leader Hasran Nasrallah horrified television viewers Saturday when he told an interviewer that he would be proud if his young sons became martyrs for Islam. He ought to enjoy them while he can. These kids blow up so fast nowadays
Osama bin Laden's one-time sex slave was quoted Monday saying the al-Qaeda leader has a crush on Whitney Houston. Suddenly the Left Coast has signed onto the War on Terror. We didn't believe Osama was really dangerous until he started stalking celebrities.
The Tehran Symphony Orchestra performed in Germany Sunday, where they played Tchaikovsky's Overture to Romeo and Juliet. Classical musicians in America were very impressed. Iran's musicians get paid one hundred dollars a month, but it's steady.
Iran held televised war games Saturday and hit a blimp with a missile as an example of what will happen to anyone who violates Iranian airspace. No one knows who owned the blimp. They haven't had a Goodyear since they overthrew the Shah.
France offered to send two hundred troops to Lebanon Monday but not the five thousand sought. French troops are perfectly willing to fight crazed Muslims who want to destroy Western Civilization. That's why they won't leave the Paris suburbs.
Democrats moved the Nevada presidential caucus up ahead of the New Hampshire primary. It's essential that they get to Las Vegas. History shows the earlier the candidates start cheating on their spouses, the better their chances for two terms in the White House.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton