Jewish World Review August 16, 2006 / 22 Menachem-Av, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Los Angeles Airport travelers bristled over new carry-on rules Monday. George Hamilton spent six long hours in the air without his face bronzer. His friends picked him up at the airport and had him admitted into the Los Angeles Country Club.
Santa Barbara declared Monday it will provide subsidized housing for anybody making less than one hundred and sixty thousand dollars a year. The median home price there is about a million dollars. The winos in Santa Barbara all live on Skid Drive.
Mel Gibson's recorded anti-Semitic rant to police went on sale in Los Angeles Monday as a cellphone ring tone. It's a hit. By sundown, mosques all over Iran dropped the standard rule that worshippers turn off their cellphones during prayers.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad registered his own web address Monday and began writing a daily blog calling for the destruction of Israel and the United States. The man is patently delusional. He thinks he can make money on the Internet.
Hezbollah leader Hassan Nasrallah went on the air Monday and said Hezbollah defeated Israel. Then President Bush went on the air and said Hezbollah had lost to Israel. Nobody on this side of the pond understands the scoring in soccer.
Fidel Castro released photos of himself in his hospital bed Monday. He looks wonderful. Many believe he's been dead for a week and they are just propping him up for military morale and appearances' sake, but enough about Senator Joe Lieberman.
The Astronomers Union meeting in Prague this week moved to demote Pluto from planet to just another Kuiper Belt Object. Treating a planet like an object is sexual harassment. The only reason we haven't been sued is because we can't reach it.
London Heathrow Airport began using a security screener that sees completely through clothing and reveals a passenger's naked body on a television monitor. The new machine was rushed into place Friday. It's on loan from the Clinton Library.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton