Jewish World Review August 15, 2006 / 21 Menachem-Av, 5766
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The World Series of Poker was won in Las Vegas on Friday by Hollywood talent agent Jamie Gold. He had a real advantage. In a tournament of professional liars, a Hollywood agent is like a sixteen-year-old ringer in the Little League World Series.
Hugh Hefner was disappointed by the low turnout at his annual Lingerie Party at the Playboy Mansion Saturday. All the women at the party were wearing nothing but sheer negligees. Compared to the airport it was like an evening in Afghanistan.
The Wall Street Journal said last week's airport confiscation of perfumes and fine wines and liquor netted airports lots of cash when they resold the stuff on eBay. This is just terrible. Fidel Castro could die any day now thinking he won.
Democrat Ned Lamont won the Connecticut Senate primary last Tuesday with a strong anti-war stand. Hillary Clinton remained warlike. When she heard the NFL named a former intern to be the new NFL commissioner she broke dishes until she was assured it was a guy.
Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad asked Mike Wallace Sunday why the U.S. is still in Iraq. It was embarrassing for the president of Iran to ask a question like that. Mike Wallace tried to slam the door in his face but the cameras caught it all.
New York's Mercantile Exchange saw oil prices plummet by three dollars a barrel Thursday due to threats to the travel industry. What a relief. Gasoline is so expensive in Los Angeles that Mel Gibson and Robin Williams had to carpool to rehab
Heathrow Airport in London was the scene of delays Thursday when Scotland Yard foiled a plot to blow up airliners. Everyone's adjusting to strict new carry-on limitations. British Airways just introduced a new in-flight beer called Pack Lite.
President Bush said in Wisconsin Thursday this nation is at war with Islamic fascists. We have a strategy for victory. We're going to search every Methodist, Baptist, Catholic, Jew, Mormon, Buddhist, Presbyterian and Episcopalian who walks into the airport until the Muslims die of hunger and thirst waiting in line.
Major League Baseball signed a deal with Sprint on Wednesday allowing people to listen to baseball games on cellphones. What a deal. For just six dollars a month you get unlimited listening minutes and a bonus tumor the size of a baseball.
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© 2006, Argus Hamilton