Jewish World Review August 9, 2006 / 15 Menachem-Av, 5766

We're Gonna Party Like it's $19.99

By Malcolm Fleschner

http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | When throwing a party for young children, parents enjoy a wide variety of themes to choose from. Traditionalists will opt for old standards like pirates, fairy princesses or dinosaurs. The kids themselves, however, as well-trained consumers of children's entertainment, tend to prefer such wholesome commercial themes as The Little Mermaid, Spongebob Squarepants and Mortal Kombat VII: Blood Reckoning.

Truthfully, for many parents these days, the party's theme is not the primary consideration. More important is using the party to convey a clear underlying message, which is, "Look How Much Money We Have." For these parents, merely hiring a magician is hardly sufficient. No, their little angel's party must also feature - at a minimum - bouncy houses, pony rides, professional jugglers, fire-eaters, a team of shiatsu massage therapists, the USC marching band and a live feed of the astronauts aboard the Space Shuttle singing "Happy Birthday" to the guest of honor. Often today the only way to tell the difference between a young child's birthday party and the Summer Olympics Opening Ceremonies is that most guests at a children's party are not required to furnish a urine sample.

Another popular kid party trend these days is hiring a mobile petting zoo to set up a caged-in area where ducks, rabbits, goats and chickens can poop all over your lawn. From what I can tell, the way it works is, before opening the gate to the pen, the attendant solemnly instructs the kids that the animals need to be treated gently and don't appreciate being chased, grabbed or picked up. Then he opens the gate and cuts out for a cigarette, at which point the kids all scramble in to chase, grab and pick up the hapless animals. And since the poor creatures probably go through this routine twice a day every weekend, the ironic result is a corral full of baby ducks and rabbits conditioned to peck and bite any child in range.

But when you're talking about parents going overboard for children's parties, you can't avoid mentioning Long Island tycoon David H. Brooks, who recently spent $10 million to hire, among others, Stephen Tyler and Joe Perry of Aerosmith, rapper 50 Cent and saxophonist Kenny G. to perform at his daughter's Bat Mitzvah. Now I know what you hip teenagers reading this are thinking: "That's outrageous! Why waste money on Aerosmith or 50 Cent when the kids are only going to want to see smooth jazz legend Kenny G.?"

I admit to scratching my head over the notion of a kid's party with a higher price tag than, say, the cost of rebuilding New Orleans. I was raised in an era (the Pleistocene) when a child's birthday party consisted of a game of pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey (and, unless he was quick, pin-the-tail-on-the-dog) followed by cake and presents. The closest thing we had to a fire-eater was when my friend Billy Mezzetti burned his eyebrows trying to swipe a taste of birthday cake while I was blowing out the candles.

But turning a fire extinguisher on a friend's face wasn't our only entertainment. At my mom's parties the highlight was always when my friends and I tried to guess how many jelly beans were contained in a half-gallon mason jar. Whoever came closest got to take the jar home. Or, more precisely, got to try to spirit the jar out of the house while a dozen eight-year-old boys riding a serious frosting buzz assaulted him like a horde of refugees tearing into a UN food delivery truck.

Now that our daughter is turning four, my wife and I are courageously bucking the trend toward lavish, costly birthday parties. Not only do we strongly believe that such events are tacky and send the wrong message to children, but we also feel that kids should know how to amuse themselves and not need to be entertained constantly. Plus we don't have the money.

And so, while my wife spent the past week cleaning, preparing food, making decorations and coming up with ideas for games and activities, I've taken charge of the kids' craft project. I haven't told my wife yet, but the children won't be doing the usual fingerpainting, spin art, or paper crown decorating projects. Instead, thanks to my exciting "Kids Around The Globe," theme, our young partygoers will experience a taste of what life is like for disadvantaged children abroad by spending 11 hours in the basement hand-stitching inseams into Nike cross-trainers. Hey, since when is teaching kids a valuable lesson a bad thing? And if it helps defray some of the costs of throwing the party, so much the better, I say.

Besides, I'm not a complete ogre. Unlike some parents, I would never force the kids who come to our party listen to Kenny G.