Jewish World Review August 22, 2005 / 17 Menachem-Av, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The San Francisco Chronicle said Thursday that Democrats
asked Warren Beatty and Robin Williams to run for governor of
California. There's a good reason why Democrats are approaching
actors to run for governor. The penguins are all working.
Oakland Raiders star Randy Moss told an interviewer Thursday
he still smokes pot. It doesn't affect his play. During his last
game, the grounds crew moved the hash marks to the side of the
field but Randy found them and smoked them anyway.
Cornell biologists proposed Friday that the American Great
Plains be stocked with wild elephants and tigers and cheetahs to
save the species. That's how much some people hate Wal-Mart. They
will do anything they can to keep them from opening.
NBC News reported Thursday that India's capital city of New
Delhi is swarming with monkeys this week. Hundreds of monkeys are
running free in the streets and in government buildings. Their
Congress doesn't take a summer recess like ours does.
The Auto Club reported that gasoline prices hit an all-time
high Friday. There is worry out West. If the rise in gas prices is
accompanied by a rise in ammunition prices, the combined expense
may be more than Los Angeles freeway commuters can bear.
Cindy Sheehan interrupted her Crawford ranch peace vigil
Friday to visit her ailing mother in California. The neighbors
don't like all the noise. Crawford is a small town in Texas with
only one stoplight, one general store and six Starbucks.
John Kerry said Friday the Democratic Party doesn't need a
lurch to the left or a lurch to the right. He's right. It needs to
stand behind the principles which last got it elected and re-
elected to the White House, namely free stuff and adultery.
Rafael Palmeiro was loudly booed in Oakland Wednesday in his
first road game back from steroid suspension. He may not know
Oakland. The town that produced Jose Canseco and Mark McGwire was
all for him until he told Congress he would cooperate.
Osama bin Laden was absent last week in the latest videotape
released by his lieutenants. He is reportedly going deaf. Wait
until he finds out that what G-d actually told him was that
seventy-two Virginians will be waiting for him in heaven.
Hillary Clinton addressed global warming in Alaska Thursday
and said she saw that forests in the Yukon were devastated by
spruce bark beetles. She remembers them well. She spent two long
months picking them off Al Gore between campaign stops.
Howard Dean said Tuesday Iraqi women had it better under
Saddam Hussein. The dictator was a pioneer in Arab women's rights.
When he tied up women and tortured them he gave them the same five
hundred dollars they would've gotten in Los Angeles.
John Roberts wrote memos to President Reagan twenty years
ago favoring national ID cards to fight illegal immigration,
saying it will threaten our social fabric. He also saw the danger
of Michael Jackson. The only thing anybody will ask him at his
confirmation hearings is if he has any stock picks.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton