Jewish World Review August 19, 2005 / 14 Menachem-Av, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
President Bush was ripped by Democrats Wednesday for going
home to his ranch for five weeks. It's just an honest difference
of opinion. Democrats believe as an article of faith that there's
no place like home, after the other places close.
Madonna broke her collarbone and fractured her wrist and
cracked her ribcage when she was thrown by her horse while riding
in England on Tuesday. It seemed awfully extreme. When Elvis
Presley wanted painkillers he just pulled out a toenail.
Robert Redford got financing Tuesday to shoot a sequel to
The Candidate. His liberal politics almost killed the project. He
was only able to get financing by showing the bankers scenes of
him making Jane Fonda cry in Barefoot in the Park.
John Roberts' affirmative action memos vanished from the
Reagan Library on Tuesday. His memo warning about Michael Jackson
appeared out of nowhere. One more miracle and his face will be
appearing on grilled cheese sandwiches in Mexico.
New Mexico's governor and Arizona's governor declared a
state of emergency on the Mexican border over illegal immigration.
California's governor remained mum. A state of emergency declared
with a German accent could crash the stock market.
Texas governor candidate Kinky Friedman revealed Wednesday
he won forty-five thousand dollars over the weekend at a slot
machine at Harrah's in New Orleans. It was an honest mistake.
Harrah's thought he was running for governor of Louisiana.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton