Jewish World Review August 15, 2005 / 10 Menachem-Av, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Condoleezza Rice condemned the assassination of Sri Lanka's
foreign minister Friday. Sri Lankan officials said it looks like
the work of the Tamil Tigers. It should serve as a warning to
everybody not to let this steroid crackdown go too far.
The New York Mercantile Exchange saw oil hit sixty-seven
dollars a barrel on Friday. It's out of hand. A British Airways
flight in Chicago couldn't take off Thursday until the pilot got
the passengers to chip in twenty bucks apiece for gas.
The National Enquirer, it was revealed Friday, paid off
Arnold Schwarzenegger's mistress two years ago to keep her quiet.
The petition drive for a constitutional amendment to let him run
for president has stalled. This should get it moving again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger will hold a fundraiser at a Rolling
Stones concert. He's a friend of the rock group but he's no help
during the sound check. The last time they asked him if the
stereo's working he made a big muscle with his right arm.
Gentlemen's Quarterly on Wednesday placed Bill Clinton on
its annual list of the Ten Best-Dressed Men in America. It's the
most incredible transformation anyone ever saw. Now Bill Clinton
is making national news for having his clothes on.
New York City told restaurants on Friday to ban a cooking
oil used to fry food. The city already banned smoking and ran off
the hookers. Pretty soon New York will be advertising that what
happens here wouldn't get us any convention business at all.
Pakistan test-fired its first cruise missile Thursday in a
blatant attempt to intimidate India. It flies beneath radar. If
they attacked India with a nuclear cruise missile it could wipe
out the entire United States customer service industry.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton