Jewish World Review August 9, 2005 / 4 Menachem-Av, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Rafael Palmeiro began serving a ten game suspension Sunday
for steroids. His denials took a familiar path. First he said he
never, ever took steroids, then he said he never intentionally
took steroids, and now he says oral tabs is not adultery.
Senator Jim Bunning called Sunday for a two year suspension
for any steroids-using pro athlete who plays in a team sport. It's
a career-ender. Fortunately for Barry Bonds he has two hundred
million witnesses that he was never a team player.
The Aristocrats, a smash-hit comedy documentary that packed
movie theaters in Los Angeles and New York, will open nationwide
on Friday. Theaters hand out cards at the box office warning every
customer that it's a filthy movie. Hollywood studios have finally
figured out a way to make reviews in the Daily Oklahoman work for them.
Condoleezza Rice gave an interview to Time magazine Sunday
where she said the insurgency in Iraq is losing steam as a
political force. That's the good news. The bad news is, it's just
been made an expansion team in the National Hockey League.
Bill Clinton called for healthier school food Sunday, saying
he got his start as the fat boy in the school band. It's great
news for Idaho farmers. There will be a run on French fries when
kids find out they made Bill Clinton what he is today.
Hillary Clinton invited Democrats vacationing in Nantucket
to a fundraising party Friday hosted by herself and her husband.
Hillary's name was above Bill's on the invitation and in larger
letters. Friends don't think their marriage can survive it.
New York Democrat Victor Bernace said Saturday he will hold
a fundraiser for his campaign at a Manhattan nightclub with
strippers. He says he wants to energize a new base. For this crowd
to be any more energized cocaine would have to be legal.
The British Royal Navy Sunday rescued Russian sailors
trapped in a submarine six hundred feet down beneath the surface
of the Pacific Ocean. Their mini-sub got ensnared in an old
fishing net. Thank goodness the British got there first, the
Americans would have towed the mini-sub to Guantanamo and tried to
make it talk.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton