Jewish World Review August 8, 2005 / 3 Menachem-Av, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The space shuttle astronauts on Friday picked up all the
used food and drink containers in the space station. Perhaps we
should do this more often. Inside the refrigerator were milk
cartons with pictures of Patty Hearst on the side of them.
Marilyn Monroe hinted at an affair with Jack Kennedy and
later Bobby Kennedy in audiotaped admissions to her psychiatrist
made public Friday. It's touching. Greater love hath no man than
he who shares Marilyn Monroe with his younger brother.
Rafael Palmeiro tested positive for using steroids Monday
three months after he testified under oath to Congress that he
never used steroids. This won't be the end of it. If convicted he
could get four to eight years as California governor.
The USC Trojans led the nationwide rankings Friday in the
pre-season college football poll. The team's number-one goal this
fall is to avoid legal trouble. By the end of last season their
first downs were being measured by real chain gangs.
Supreme Court nominee John Roberts said Friday he forgot to
mention he was a cosmetics lobbyist. He also did free legal work
for a gay rights group. Wait until Dr. James Dobson finds out that
in his courtroom is a statue of Liberace the Lawgiver.
U.S. Senator Evan Bayh said Friday that Democrats lack
credibility on national security. He said they have to convince
the American people they are willing to use force. Hillary Clinton
just asked William Kennedy Smith to be her running mate.
The Galaxy Drive-In opened south of Dallas Friday, becoming
the first outdoor movie theater to open in decades. They sure
bring back memories. Terry Bradshaw nearly froze to death in high
school the night he went to see Closed for the Winter.
Troy, directed by Oliver Stone, was released in video stores
Tuesday only four months after the Trojan War epic bombed at the
box office. How bad is it? The other night half the audience got
up and walked out, and it was the in-flight movie.
Rafael Palmeiro agreed to submit his drug test records to
Congress Wednesday after his positive steroid test revealed he may
have lied to a House committee. Lawmakers say the very integrity
of Congress is at stake. In other words, no harm no foul.
Democrats were joyful Tuesday over a narrow loss in a
congressional election in a solidly Republican district in
Cincinnati. They followed up a narrow loss by Al Gore and a narrow
loss by John Kerry with a narrow loss by Paul Hackett. Democrats
should have gotten the message last year when Rodney Dangerfield
left them his act.
Bill Clinton announced details on Wednesday of his Clinton
Global Initiative summit. He misses power. While coaching a
softball game yesterday he ordered his assistant to invade right
field and seize the fly ball and overthrow the cutoff man.
The American Bar Association held its convention in Chicago
Friday. The town is famous for gangsters and drinking and vice and
corruption. Meeting in Chicago is the legal profession's way of
thanking human nature for the seven-figure income.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton