Jewish World Review August 5, 2005 / 29 Tamuz, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
The Pentagon began a program Monday of gathering
intelligence on U.S. citizens for the first time in American
history. Earlier this year the CIA began domestic spying. This was
all foreshadowed years ago in Richard Nixon's I Have a Dream speech.
Supreme Court nominee John Roberts will go before the Senate
next month. It's a lifetime job that makes you the final authority
on everything. If the founders were around nowadays they would
have to write nine new Declarations of Independence.
Hillary Clinton was chosen by the Democratic Leadership
Council to formulate a centrist message. She should wait a month.
One-third of the American people right now are ill-housed and ill-
nourished and ill-clad, only they call it camping.
Roger Maris's family sued Anheuser-Busch for alleging that
the late baseball star's Budweiser distributorship relabeled and
sold outdated beer. He had the motive. The surest possible way for
him to stay in the record books was to poison Mickey Mantle.
The Dukes of Hazzard opens today about auto racing rednecks
and their sister in short-shorts. The TV show was a Jimmy Carter-
era comedy. Today families like this have to wear ankle monitors
and cannot leave the house except to do the Jerry Springer Show.
Vanity Fair this month has an exclusive interview with
Friends star Jennifer Aniston in which she breaks down in tears
over the break-up of her marriage to Brad Pitt. She forgot the
first rule of show business. Only penguins mate for life.
China withdrew its bid to purchase Unocal Oil Company on
Monday. The Chinese cited U.S. political opposition. Now the way
is cleared for Unocal to merge with Chevron, giving the new
conglomerate the world's largest chain of filthy bathrooms.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton