Jewish World Review August 1, 2005 / 25 Tamuz, 5765
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist stunned evangelicals
Friday by deciding to endorse stem cell research. It made for
great television. The space shuttle sent back spectacular photos
of Bill Frist doing a backflip and docking with Nancy Reagan.
The space shuttle fleet was grounded Wednesday because the
fuel tanks keep shedding foam. NASA is looking for a really good
adhesive. The space agency just called Betty Ford and asked what
she uses to keep sitcom stars from falling off the wagon.
The Dallas Cowboys began summer training camp in Oxnard
Friday. They want no distractions this year. Jerry Jones went
around to local grade schools and asked the kids to come out to
the camp and talk to the players about the dangers of drugs.
Baseball Commissioner Bud Selig upheld the twenty-game
suspension for Texas Rangers pitcher Kenny Rogers Thursday. He'll
be sharp by his next start. To make sure he hits the strike zone,
their catcher is going to take off his crucifix and wear a camera
around his neck.
Las Vegas, according to a news report Friday, may run out of
water sometime in the next fifty years. Running out of water won't
affect business. Tourists will fly in from everywhere to see the
Meet Mr. Hoffa exhibit on the bottom of Lake Mead.
Pamela Anderson agreed Friday to be roasted on Comedy
Central this fall. Her cause is animal rights. She doesn't like it
when they take innocent chicks and inject them with hormones and
make them wear bikinis and work for David Hasselhoff.
The National Hockey League's drug-testing policy was ripped
by Congress last week. The lawmakers want stricter rules. The
league requires drug testing only twice a year for players, but
you wouldn't expect hockey to have a policy with teeth.
Hillary Clinton's fundraising report Thursday showed a
suspiciously huge haul from lower Texas. Half her donations came
from the impoverished Rio Grande Valley. No one wants to say it
looks like money laundering but photos from the space shuttle show
women on the banks of the Rio Grande beating hundred dollar bills
on the rocks.
The U.S. Senate approved legislation Thursday to set up a
national sex offender registry on the Internet. The registry is a
terrific idea. It's very helpful for people across the country who
never know what gift to buy for their sex offender.
Bill Clinton, it was announced Thursday, will address the
China Internet Summit held in September in the city of Hangzhou.
This could be a nasty flashback. Hangzhou is what forty-four
Republicans voted to do to him at his impeachment trial.
Fox TV agreed Friday to investigate if Paula Abdul had sex
with an American Idol contestant. Stay calm. If the Secret Service
hears that someone named Abdul blew up American Idol, they'll shut
down the Elvis Presley impersonator show at the Stardust.
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© 2005, Argus Hamilton