Are they gone? Good. Now the remaining six Republicans in the Hamptons who read this column and I can have a nice intimate chat. Here's our challenge: How can we drive our Kerry-loving (formerly, although they now deny it, Howard Dean-loving) Democrat friends nuts?
What the hell do they want? They are winning the state by an obscene margin. In the Hamptons, Democrats outnumber Republicans 100 to 1. When you count millionaires the number goes up to 1000 to 1. So what do we do? Here's my plan. Stay away from cocktail parties and dinner parties. Most Democrats love to take a giant hunk of foie gras and dip it into a vat of caviar and eat it while they tell you how the Democratic Party is the party of "the poor downtrodden masses."
The best thing to do with them is agree.
When they ask you why you're voting for George Bush give them the old "aw shucks" routine. Agree, as so many of us do, that we differ with Bush on stem cell research and women's rights and the environment and the religious right. Then look them in the eye and say, "Of course the single biggest issue in my life and my children's lives is terrorism and Kerry frankly looks like a simpering wimp." Now, almost every Democrat will then play the Michael Moore card.
Democrats will insist that it is your duty as a living, breathing human being to go see Moore's Fahrenheit 9/11. "YOU MUST SEE IT. YOU MUST SEE IT," they scream.
Republicans, I urge you, remain calm although I must admit it's a frightening moment because their eyes roll back in their head and a few drops of spittle come out of the sides of their mouth. It is not drooling; it is just a few harmless drops that jump out of their mouths with the fervor of their love for the disgusting Mr. Moore. Please remember, most Democrats are harmless. Of course, Charles Manson was a Democrat but that was many years ago.
How do you answer them? Just look down and say almost everything in Michael Moore's movie was a lie. They will then insist that you see the 7-minute spot on 9/11 when Bush was notified of the attack while he was reading to children in a nursery school. You just answer that he did indeed looked stunned and ask them how they thought Franklin D. Roosevelt looked when he heard the Japanese had bombed Pearl Harbor. Then tell them that you have it on good authority that upon hearing of the Japanese air strike, Franklin D. Roosevelt jumped up and ran 50 feet before he remembered he was paralyzed. Compliment them on the fact that apparently no Democrats looked stunned when they heard that planes had crashed into the Twin Towers and tell them you wish you were as cool as they were. Assure them that you are well aware that Michael Moore was not stunned at the news of the terrorist attack, after all, didn't he say about the World Trade Center tragedy:
"Only 3000 Americans were killed. There are 290 million Americans. All right? Osama bin Laden should be considered innocent until proven guilty. The intervention in Afghanistan was unjustified. The American lives lost in Afghanistan have been wasted."
The best way to deal with the Michael Mooremania is to assure them you will go see the fake documentary if they promise, Scout's honor, to listen to Rush Limbaugh for a month. Trust me, this will get them to change the subject.
At this point most Democrats will start the, "Osama has already been captured and they're keeping him in the basement of the White House until the week before the election" chant. I have heard this from a number of Democrats who I would have sworn were sane before this election process started.
Republicans, this is not something that should be answered. Smile and pretend your cell phone just vibrated and walk away having a conversation with a phantom on the other end of the line.
There is a point where we can help our flustered Democrat friends. A wonderful woman who is a reader provided me with the following material and I think it will be of great service if you pass it on to those who intend to vote for Kerry in November.
Apparently in his acceptance speech, Senator Smiley Face Kerry spent so much time talking about his daughter's hamster and his seven months in Vietnam and all the things he plans to do when he's in charge, that he had to cut his speech short in order to make it on to the 11 p.m. news (it's good to see he has his priorities in order). So what did he leave out?
His record in the last 20 years in the Senate.
Just imagine if someone came in for a job and his resume neglected to tell where he had been in the last 20 years. Here are some of the things he forgot to tell his adoring followers.
In the last 20 years, he voted to kill all anti-terrorism activities of many key agencies of the U.S. Government:
- He voted to cut the funding of the FBI by 60%.
- He voted to cut the funding for the CIA by 80%.
- He voted to cut the funding for the NASA by 80%.He voted to kill the Bradley Fighting Vehicle.
- He voted to kill the M-1 Abrams Tank.
- He voted to kill every Aircraft Carrier laid down from 1988.
- He voted to kill the Aegis anti-aircraft system.
- He voted to kill the F-15 Strike Eagle.
- He voted to kill the Block 60 F-16.
- He voted to kill the P-3 Orion upgrade.
- He voted to kill the B-1.
- He voted to kill the B-2.
- He voted to kill the Patriot anti-missile system.
- He voted to kill the FA-18.
- He voted to kill the F117.
- He voted to kill every military appropriation for the development and deployment of every weapons system since 1988, including a bill for battle armor for our troops.
- Did he vote FOR anything? Yes.
- He voted to increase our funding for UN operations by 800%!
Now, my fellow Republicans, I ask you to pass this on to our good Democrat friends in the spirit of friendship and harmony. It won't change their minds. Nothing will change their minds.
If John Kerry announced today that he was
The Manchurian Candidate and that he has a chip implanted in him so that when he's President, his wife Teresa "Sweetness" Heinz Kerry will turn over the Queen of Diamonds and he will immediately hand over control of The United States to the United Nations or, even worse, agree to make this country a colony of France he still will carry New York and California.