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March 28th, 2024

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Bernie endorsement instantly makes him hated enemy on internet

Rex Huppke

By Rex Huppke Chicago Tribune/(TNS)

Published July 14, 2016

The Closing of the American Mouth

I can tell you one thing with certainty: We live in an age of absolutes. There's no questioning that statement, it's 100 percent true.

If someone tells you there's room for negotiation or nuance or subtlety in this day and age, then that person is the worst person on Earth. Period. End of story.

And so it is that Bernie Sanders, the gloriously honest and sincere Democratic presidential candidate who would save us all from corporate elitists and other dirty money muckety-mucks, uttered five words Tuesday -- "I am endorsing Hillary Clinton" -- and instantly became a traitorous backstabbing sell-out or, as one fan on his Facebook page put it, a "spineless piece of trash loser traitor."

That's today's America, folks. You're either a heroic man of the people or you're a loser traitor.

Acknowledging that your side lost is unnecessary when you can just keep on believing you're right. Seeing Sanders' endorsement of Clinton as a sensible compromise that preserves some of the political gains his campaign made is unnecessary because compromise stinks and you can just hop on Twitter and type: "PFFFTHHHHHHHTTTTTTTT!!! #TraitorBernie #NeverHillary #IAmAlwaysRightKissMyButt"

The soft, mushy middle has been stretched out like taffy to the point where there are only two far-apart hands with nothing of substance in between.

Don't believe me? Shut up. I'm right. You're an idiot.

For those who hate Clinton, she's a criminal, a felon and someone who should absolutely be in prison, and the lack of a criminal conviction or even a criminal charge is a dumb thing to bring up because WE KNOW THE TRUTH!

Clinton supporters, on the other hand, see only an honest and virtuous public servant who has been the subject of endless political witch hunts but still perseveres out of patriotic love of country, #ImWithHer #Hillary4Life #USuckIfUDisagree.

If presumptive Republican presidential nominee Donald Trump says crime is exploding in America and we should all be very scared and elect him immediately because only he has the crime-fighting superpower to protect us, his fervent followers say, "Yes. This is absolutely true. We live in a garbage fire surrounded by homicidal evildoers and Super Trump will save us from certain death."

Democrats took a long-anticipated step toward unity Tuesday as Sen. Bernie Sanders endorsed Hillary Clinton.

And if some well-meaning journalists point out that crime rates have actually been falling for more than two decades, those journalists are WRONG and STUPID and HATER SCUM LIBERAL-MEDIA LIARS.

Someone could say, "Well, Trump is wrong that crime is exploding, but there have been spikes in some cities like Chicago and recent high-profile crimes may give the sense that times are more turbulent than they are." But that someone would be ignored because who needs that sort of sense and reason and perspective when you can say, in far fewer words, that America is either "awful" or "perfect."

Pick a side and move on.

President Barack Obama's speech Tuesday at a memorial service for the five police officers murdered by a sniper last week in Dallas could have been described as a sincere, largely effective, occasionally imperfect attempt to broach several sensitive issues while encouraging the country to come together.

But that would require looking at Obama's words from multiple points of view, and anyone who would spend time doing that is an indecisive lunatic. So the masses on the internet effectively described the speech as either "eloquent and brilliant" or "a slap in the face."

That makes sense as Obama, according to the voices of today, is either "one of the greatest presidents ever" or "the most evil man to ever set foot in the White House."

Which brings us back to the traitor loser Bernie Sanders and the people who have either condemned him for crimes against purity or convinced themselves this is all part of his plan and he'll still win the nomination at the Democratic national convention, #StillSanders #BernieOrBust #RealityMeansNothingToMe.

Sanders knows a thing or two about absolutism. That's how he got people to believe that free health care and free tuition and free other stuff were possible despite overwhelming evidence to the contrary. Americans have their minds set these days on believing what they want to believe, absolutely.

Clinton knows it. Trump certainly knows it. Obama knows it, and so does every other politician and idea-pusher out there.

We want to latch on and we don't want to let go, because the facts we want to believe are as easy to find as like-minded latchers on.

So Sanders, the loser traitor, will either be president or an eternal disgrace. And Clinton will either be in prison or be a perfect president. And Obama will go down in history as the greatest commander in chief or leave the White House in ruins before revealing himself as Satan's spawn.

And that is the absolute truth. Because what I believe is always right.

Absolutely.

Rex Huppke
Chicago Tribune
(TNS)

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