Jewish World Review July 31, 2013/ 24 Menachem-Av, 5773
Hillary, Weiner and Snowden. That Enough?
By Roger Simon
Q: Whatever happened to that really insufferable jerk, the guy who has delusions of grandeur, who I got really sick of hearing about?
A: Edward Snowden or Anthony Weiner?
Q: Start with Snowden. Last I heard, he has sought asylum from every place but Disneyland.
A: I am not sure asylum is his true goal. He is currently living in an airline terminal outside Moscow. While some portray this as grim, Dr. Politics wonders if a Moscow airline terminal is any less grim than Moscow. Dr. Politics likes airline terminals. He has spent much of his professional life in airline terminals. He could easily see himself living in the A Terminal at Midway Airport in Chicago, where there is a Manny's.
Q: But doesn't Snowden want to get out of Russia so he can go to South America and become an international playboy and global superstar?
A: He used to, but now we hear he is planning on running for election as Tsar of All the Russias, so he can run around in a sleigh pulled by three horses, while he wears an ermine cape and a jewel-encrusted crown.
Q: That's nutty.
A: Much of Snowden's life has been nutty. He sees himself as a superhero in a video game. As The Washington Post wrote, "His fascination with games continued even as he rose to more responsible positions" in the intelligence community. "'I woke this morning with a new name,' he announced excitedly in 2010, referring to his gaming avatar. 'That name is Wolfking. Wolfking Awesomefox.'"
Q: Sounds like Doofuss Awesomefox would be more accurate. Why should I care about him?
A: Exactly because he is a doofuss. He still has, according to columnist Glenn Greenwald, unreleased information that could cripple the U.S. government.
"Snowden has information enough to cause more damage to the U.S. government in a single minute than any other person has ever had in the history of the United States," Greenwald told the Argentine newspaper La Nacion.
"The U.S. government should be on its knees praying every day that nothing happens to Snowden, because if something does happen, all the information would be revealed, and this would be its worst nightmare."
Q: You think that's true or just bluster?
A: Probably bluster. Or just a pathetic attempt by Snowden to keep himself in the public eye.
Q: Sounds like a pretty dangerous game.
A: It is. He would be better off just marrying a Kardashian.
Q: What about the Weiner guy? And is it pronounced Whine-er or Wee-ner?
A: It's spelling would suggest Whine-er, but he prefers Wee-ner, for obvious reasons. Like Snowden — and this is why psychiatrists make a fortune — Weiner chose another identity for himself: Carlos Danger.
Q: Why has the press turned against him?
A: The press doesn't mind sex scandals, and it doesn't mind politicians lying about sex scandals — just look at the resurrection of Bill Clinton. But the rule is this: Once you've had the sex scandal and lied about the sex scandal and apologized for the sex scandal, you can't keep having more sex scandals. It's unfair. There are so many new pols having sex scandals, the press can't get bogged down with the old pols having sex scandals.
Q: So Weiner won't become mayor of New York?
A: No, he has not only outraged the public, he has outraged Hillary and Bill Clinton, which is a political death sentence for a Democratic politician. As Dee Dee Myers said on "Face the Nation" Sunday, "This isn't a story that anybody, particularly the Clintons, are happy to see splashed over the front pages and all over the news relentlessly, and I think they as much as anyone would like to see this go away."
Q: Last question for you: I want Hillary to become president in 2016, and everyone I know wants Hillary to become president in 2016. So can't we skip the campaign and just make her president? By poll or something?
A: Well, we could, but it would be completely illegal, totally unconstitutional, and it would subvert our democratic process. So, yeah, it's possible.
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