Jewish World Review July 20, 2012/ 1 Menachem-Av, 5772
All the news that's fit . . . for the toilet
By Celia Rivenbark
This is the kind of cutting-edge research that any state-funded educational and tourist attraction should share with the world. Or not. This is, of course, silly news. You could just as easily say that more people are injured while breathing in and out than riding roller coasters. Because that's true, too. It's goofball math. More people use toilets than swim in shark-infested waters. Just sayin'.
But journalism isn't what it used to be. Before, it was, well, so "worky." Now you can just pull some cute fact straight outta your shark-free toilet and run with it. This is why we have the formerly news-riddled "Today" show spending roughly four hours a day yammering about how to properly buckle a belt around your waist or put ice in a glass in between painfully long interviews with monosyllabic children who survived spending a night out in the cold while their morbidly obese parents look on supportively.
That said, it was a great marketing moment for the Aquarium, which, it should be noted, is completely fabulous. I've been there many times but now will have much greater fear in its ladies' room than while visiting the touchable shark exhibit. See? They got in my head. Which admittedly doesn't have a lot else in it except a ton of reminders to take the 20 percent off coupon with me to Bed, Bath & Beyond instead of leaving it home FOR THE ELEVENTY BILLIONTH TIME.
So, yes, Aquarium, I'll (ha-ha) bite.
What is so danged dangerous about the average American toilet?
And this is where you can only turn to another pseudo-journalistic entity: Wikipedia.
Which told me that last year alone there were more than 40,000 toilet-related injuries in the United States.
I won't go into detail about the No. 1 injury because it involves little boys with the same amount of brain power that gets them lost overnight and has to do with the lid dropping and, well, ewww.
But also the toilet is responsible for a number of dislocated hips and broken tailbones thanks to the seat being left up and, scariest of all, toilets are a favorite hiding spot for black widow spiders "because insects abound under the seat."
And then there was the woman whose posterior was accidentally super-glued to a toilet seat in a Kentucky Walmart. Since Ashley Judd is the only woman from Kentucky anybody knows, I'll just assume it was her. You're welcome TMZ.
Meanwhile, next up on "Today": "How to remove glue from a toilet seat" and, oh, yes, "Cooking with the ancho chili: Is it the new chipotle?"