Jewish World Review July 11, 2011 / 9 Tamuz, 5771
And now for the important news ....
By Argus Hamilton
http://www.JewishWorldReview.com | Casey Anthony was sentenced to time served Thursday and ordered released from prison Wednesday. When her child went missing she didn't call the cops for a month and instead she went out partying every night. Charlie Sheen never thought he'd lose his title to a woman.
President Obama met with congressional leaders Thursday to try to hammer out a budget deal. Both sides called the meeting frank and constructive. When they say frank that means they threw things and when they say constructive that means they glued the vases back together.
Facebook teamed up with Skype Wednesday to make video calls available to FB's seven hundred and fifty million subscribers for free. It's so sad. If Anthony Weiner could have just held out another month, he could have ruined his career with live video instead of still photographs.
Tiger Woods dropped out of the British Open, insisting that he won't return until he's fully healed. He must pass two tests. He won't be healed until his left knee can withstand the force of his downswing and he can stand downwind from cheap perfume and still sink a two-foot putt.
Roger Clemens released his list of witnesses for his perjury trial in Washington Tuesday. They include Mark McGwire, Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds. None of them will make it into the Hall of Fame because they cheated, but they're still in the running to be Atlanta's Teacher of the Year.
Atlanta public school teachers admitted Tuesday they cheated on behalf of their students by correcting answers on standardized tests. It's not that the teachers are permissive. Last week three students were sent home early because they didn't bring enough crack for everyone.
The Wall Street Journal reported that American kids failed a recent U.S. history test given nationwide. It's appalling. Three-fourths of American kids knew that we gained our independence from Great Britain but no one knew the date we lost our independence to China.
A Yellowstone National Park hiker was killed by a grizzly bear in the park's back country Tuesday. The park rangers were shocked. No one's been killed by a bear in a national park in twenty-five years, but that's only because the New York Stock Exchange isn't a national park.
Dominique Strauss-Kahn appeared to be exonerated Thursday after his rape accuser's credibility fell apart. He's now leading all socialists in France's presidential polls. People are willing to tolerate socialist politicians only if they're a good value for their entertainment dollar.
Homeland Security warned Friday al-Qaeda is planning to attack U.S. airliners with bombs surgically implanted in passengers. No one wants to think about TSA security now. Everybody with an appendix scar is going to be pulled out of line and interrogated, unless they look Muslim.
The White House offered house payment relief Friday on FHA-backed home loans. People in L.A. are afraid to answer the door. Last week three homeowners were served notices of eviction by sheriffs carrying balloons and posing as the Publisher's Clearing House Prize Patrol.
California passed a bill requiring schools to salute gay people in U.S. history. It was always controversial. Pat Robertson's ancestor warned the Continental Congress if they didn't stop wearing powdered wigs, satin breeches, and black pumps that God would destroy the Colonies.
Hugh Grant secretly taped a News of the World reporter bragging how they hacked voice mails of stars, politicians and even the families of slain soldiers, prompting Rupert Murdoch to shut down the tabloid. Hugh pretended to befriend the reporter, then he taped him and now he's a national hero. Afterwards he and Sandra Bullock or Julia Roberts lived happily ever after.
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JWR contributor Argus Hamilton is the host comedian at The Comedy Store in Hollywood. To comment or arrange for speaking engagements. Comment by clicking here.
© 2009, Argus Hamilton